Your Halloween HorrorScope

I know, right?
I know, right?

I’ve been getting the visions lately. Getting them something fierce. Something to do with the constellations or where the moon is or my prescription antipsycotics running out. Regardless of the catalyst, my tortured night terrors now serve you as premonitions for how your Halloween will turn out.


Congratulations, Scorp! You will come into a large some of money today! Although it will be through illegal means, so it’s probably in your best interest to skip town. While on your way, you will find yourself caught in a rainstorm and forced to pull into a motel which has a shocking amount of vacancies. The guy running the place will invite you in for a sandwich, which will force him to get into a yelling fight with his mom (who, luckily for you, you won’t get to see up close because she kind of smells like loneliness and formaldehyde.) I’d stay out of the shower tho, the forecast for the day is rainy with a mild chance of stabbing.


Bad day for my fellow Sags. You’re going to slip on a banana peel and end up in a comma for roughly a month. You’ll wake up, groggy, in a dimly lit hospital room, only to find that there is no one else around! You walk outside trying to figure stuff out when you realize that the whole town is overrun by zombies. Hope you’re handy with a baseball bat or a shotgun! Maybe we can all meet up in an abandoned mall or something. Text me!


A strong day for friendship for you, Cappy Cap! A few of your friends are going to invite you to go to a cabin in the woods with them. Forest bonding! One of your friends even gives you a present- a book bound in skin (uh… thanks guys?). Careful when you read from it tho, the trees might start getting all cranky and touchy feely. Remember to stay close to your buddies and don’t forget to bring some marshmallows!


Saturn is out on vacation, so that means family troubles in your future.  A parent might ask you to come home, on account of one of your siblings isn’t feeling that well. They have a raspy voice, projectile vomit, their head can spin 360 degrees and they’re all about the crab walk. Swine Flu? Probably. It’s best that you be supportive in their time of need. And maybe call a doctor or a priest.


It’s a good news, bad news sort of day for you, my fishy friend. I see a vacation! All the way to beautiful, sunny florida! Hooray! There is a small chance that someone you know might be eaten by a shark right in front you. But you get to hang out with a pirate on a boat! The pirate also gets eaten by a shark right in front of you. But you get to blow up a giant shark with an oxygen tank! Then you have to ride a shark carcass to shore.  Like I said, ups and downs.


The fire sign is lucky in love today! Your crush, whom you didn’t know even noticed you and you thought possibly resented you, is going to ask you to a dance! Given your hot tempered nature, you’re likely to be angered quickly if your plans don’t work out as well as you’d hoped. Try not to use your festering rage to murder a room full of people with your mind, as this is a common Aries trait.


Good news in the financial life of the bull! You finally get to own your dream home! And you come into it for a price way lower than you anticipated. Count the savings! Only catch is, the place was built on a graveyard and someone you love is going to be sucked into a TV. But everybody loves TV, right? Who doesn’t want to be on TV? No one.


Chin up, Gem! You’re going to find the perfect roommate! Of course, they’re going to dress like you and act like you, even cut their hair the same as you, but there’s nothing creepy about that. Not really anyway. Try to stay positive, even when they go nuts when you won’t be their long lost twin and they try to kill your partner with a shoe. At least your rent is cheap!


Crabby you’ve got some hot lovin’ coming your way. Your crush is going to invite you out to a romantic lakeside getaway! Be sure to bring some protection for when things get steamy- like a handgun to fend off a chainsaw murderer who has a weird fetish for chopping up people who are getting down with the get down.  Hope you can swim, because that dude can’t!


Three words- unicorn stab wound.

You know why.


Mars and Venus are playing golf next Thursday, and that means good news on the friendship front for the virg! Although you might wake up on a dirty bathroom floor chained to a bathtub you won’t be alone- your new best friend will be chained to a pipe in the same room! This will give you loads of time to get to know one another! Especially because there is a sociopath who is watching you at all times trying to get you to participate in some insane game they’ve made up to try and get you guys to be best buds for life, or turn one of you into an amputee. Oh, residence shenanigans!


As you are the most level of all the starsigns, you will take a normal flight across the country.  On your plane, you will meet Sigourney Weaver. You’re going to say “Aw, hells yeah! Sigourney Weaver is my hero!” and give yourself a little high five, which is a lot like clapping. The plane will hit a mild patch of turbulence, and you will get a mad case of the stummies. You’ll say “Hey, Sigourney Weaver, I have the stu-” and she’ll be all “Not again!” and put her boot against your throat and point a gun at your stomach. You’ll be all “I just need a Rolaids…” but you’ll say it in a really timid, boot-throated voice. Then she’ll give you a rolaids, and you’ll both laugh and laugh until an alien pops out of your chest and eats everyone on the plane.

Have a mostly safe ween everyone!