Arte Mechante is a character satire by Dylan Sealy.
Unlike you, I don’t care about looking cool. I’m about being cool (if you don’t understand the difference, you don’t understand me, which isn’t surprising).
Despite what idiots will tell you, there is a one-way ticket to cool – with a stop-over at “Awesome Station.” That ticket is grimy, yellow, and ash-covered.
To be cool, you need to be a smoker.
Imagine me doing a handstand on a motorbike, wearing a leather jacket emblazoned with a crest of my face.
That’s cool, but now imagine I’m doing that while smoking.
Like a lot of you I want to live a long life, and smokers are notorious for dying (young). Well, let me tell you, you can still be a super sexy bad ass while having the pristine lungs of a 12-year-old girl. You just need to pretend that you are an ash-sucker. We’re all aware that pretending is the only way to make people like you (you, specifically).
So, for the first time in Arte Mechante History™, I’m going to give you advice in a list format.
1. Have a cigarette out at all times, but don’t smoke it. This is the most effective method of reinforcing your smoker image. Cigarettes should be deeply embedded within your persona. When people think of you, they’ll say,“Oh, that Arte guy is so cool, I definitely want to date him.” (But they won’t call you Arte, that’s my name.)
2. Buy the most expensive cigarettes. Remember, of course, that you’re not actually nicotine-needy, so you can make a pack last for months. This gives you the right to constantly mention that you’re a tobacco enthusiast of refined tastes – which you should do. Often.
3. Talk down other brands. The most effective method of dealing with people is putting them down. They can’t very well point out your fake smoking when sobbing on the ground after suffering your biting wit. Some hilarious stock quips are: “Excellent choice for baby’s first smoke,” “It’s a fine brand for those who can’t afford quality,” and “Oh, I think my grandmother puffs those…in hell.”
4. Always offer cigarettes. Phlegm-coughers are always poor and they’re awful with l’argent (that’s Italian for money), so they’ll do disgusting things for a free cigarette (like smoke it). You can take this opportunity to be superior, utilizing steps two and three, while smiling your shit-eating-est grin.
5. Don’t inhale. This is obvious, but when push comes to shove, you need to be able to look like you’re smoking. Simply pucker your lips and suck that filter – careful not to let any carcinogenic garbage get into your throat. The “not a problem” problem with this is that you still have smoke entering your mouth, which is going to give you disgusting teeth and horrible breath. But, as I’ve learned through years of faux smoking, these qualities attract the ladies.
Bonus tip: Have a cigarette extender. Many famous “cool-kids” use these classy items. If you cannot afford a genuine ivory extender (to get mine I killed the elephant myself…with pollution), you can easily make one out of a McDonald’s straw.
Follow these tips and you’ll be too classy for class (because you can’t smoke in there).
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