You’re sitting on campus. It’s your first day back. Your room is set up, and you’ve just finished your first set of classes. You need a moment to rest your tangled mess of frayed nerves, so you sit down outside James Dunn Hall. You go to breathe in deep and the air makes your nostrils burn. You look around and see someone sitting next to you, actively trying to blow their cigarette smoke in your face.
That (attractive) figure next to you is Arte Mechante. I’m sure one of us is pleased to meet the other (Hint: It’s not me). Now, before I begin this, my first ground-breaking column, let me get a few things out of the way, since I hate answering questions (See: Dumb, See: Yours).
– Yes, I am wearing a scarf, as I often suffer from a cold neck.
– Yes, I am smoking.
– No, you cannot have one.
– And no, you couldn’t afford my brand of choice on your budget.
This year will be my eighth year attending this “university.” Despite moving protests, I have been rejected by the cretinous journalism program at STU for all of my years at this institution (though I did spend some time as editor of a self-published paper The Mechante Tribute, a series of tributes to myself). Despite this, I hold our university in high regard, and hope that one day we can forgive each other for its error.
For the first installment of this ever- changing column (printed every week on the week – give or take a week in between), I will be providing you with an excellent point-by-witty-point expose of Arte Mechante’s reasons why Arte Mechante should be allowed into said program:
1- I’m Genius, Absolute: A lot of people don’t quite realize the stark majesty of my journalistic prose.
Simply regard my first foray into journalism (if you find a copy, I will sign it). In this work, I exposed the dark nature of the student loan program.
In this riveting, emotional, and moving piece, I explained that the smell of future debt among students was toxic to those of us fortunate enough to possess bottomless trust funds.
And that was just my first piece!
2- Writing is (Almost) What I Do: Most of my time is spent writing. And by that, I mean, most of my time is spent sleeping in search of inspiring dreams. I’m an idea man, not a “writer.”
Writing is just a method of sharing my genius, albeit through an ancient and incomprehensibly mediocre format: words.
3- I Don’t (Usually) Stop Trying: Perseverance is one of my stronger assets. I don’t stop trying unless things become difficult. Consider all my efforts (and emails I thought of writing) put towards being accepted as a journalism major. Eight years of hard work and bloodshed, along with countless classy tantrums directed at the “faculty” of the “department,” and I still have yet to give up. Bonus reason: I’m very, very… pale. Which I assume is something I should be ashamed of, and therefore, something I should be pitied for.
Remember to log in to your Facebook and join my “Allow Mechante to Be a Journalist” protest group, as that will certainly make real change!
Look forward to my next column, where I’ll be informing you about things you probably won’t understand anyway.
Thank you for reading (I’m sure it was very difficult for you).