Tale of Two Tommies: Ketchup

(Vincent Jiang/AQ)


Despite what people think, I’m not a monster. I don’t stalk the streets at night, I don’t steal candy from children and I don’t give retail or fast food workers a hard time. But none of that matters to those around me that look at me in disgust, all because I put ketchup on top of my fries.

I’m not a man who has all the time in the world to dillydally around my fries, to dirty my plate with a glob of ketchup which must be cleaned thoroughly. I am a man who doesn’t want to put the extra effort into dipping ketchup on the tip of my fry, just to have to dip it again for not satisfying my need for the condiment.

When you are with other people you diminish the work they have to do if they would like a fry. They don’t have to dip it in anything, that part is already done for them. Also, if you decide you’re feeling particularly clean today, you can get a fork and go hands free with the food. Try doing that for dipping. It’s traumatizing.

People make the argument that it makes the fries soggy. Well I guess that is an issue for those who take their sweet time consuming the food, like a dipper. This problem doesn’t exist in the world of covering. We don’t let the fries get soggy.

This isn’t modern game development, the DLC doesn’t come extra. Your fry gets the ketchup with it. If your partner asks for a fry and they ask for the ketchup will you say “You better put that on the side or you’re a freak of nature?” I didn’t think so.

So sympathize with me if not only for a moment. Think about how easy your life is with the ketchup already on the fried potato. How all the work is already done, and you can just sit back and enjoy yourself. You see, I’m not a monster, I’m a visionary.



My opponent claims he is not a monster and demands our respect, but his ideals represent everything wrong in our society.

Humans used to be social creatures. We worked together, laughed together and most importantly, shared together. We used to put the needs of others before our own, but today’s society has a hard time looking up from their phones to give the person in front of them a few seconds of conversation.

Those are the people in Troy’s camp. People who go out with so called ‘friends,’ order a big plate of fries, then douse them in ketchup without a care for sharing with others.

I love ketchup as much as the next guy, but I understand that some people don’t. That’s why I keep mine to the side, so that the people I care to spend my time with feel welcome to share in my meal.

Troy is right about one thing, fries won’t get soggy from the ketchup if you shove them all in to your mouth as quickly as possible, but is that any way to enjoy your food? More importantly, how can you expect to have a conversation at dinner if your mouth is full of potato?

Our society has strayed far from its social roots, the blame for which should be place squarely on those who like to drown their fries in ketchup.

The rest of Troy’s arguments are feeble at best. He argues it is difficult to dip if you want to eat with a fork, but if anything I would argue it is easier. Have you ever tried fondue? It’s a whole food based around dipping with a fork.

Troy calls himself a visionary, but as far as I can tell his only vision is of our world on fire. Put others before yourself and take the first step towards repairing our dying society. Keep your ketchup to the side.