Satire: The AQ and the Bruns tie the knot

Graph depicting a tinder match between 'The Brunswickan' and 'The Aquinian'. (Daniel Salas/AQ)

Editor’s note: this article is a piece of satire based on a long-held, good-natured rivalry between The Aquinian and The Brunswickan. Its content and caricatures are over-exaggerated and are not intended as malice.

In a stunning — and slightly romantic — turn of events, The Aquinian and The Brunswickan are coming together as one. 

And it all started after a simple swipe to the right on Tinder. 

“From the moment that we met, I just knew there was a connection — it was like a romance novel,” said The Aquinian.

The Brunswickan, the personified magazine, with sleek, curvaceous coated paper, was irresistible. 

“It was the firm, straight, stapled spine for me,” said The Aquinian. “I’d like to flip through her pages.”

When The Aquinian matched, he crawled out from under a vending machine in James Dunn Hall, where he lives. His corners were folded from water damage. He was mouldy and smelly, but he cleaned himself up for the first date. 

Before they matched on Tinder, The AQ hated the Bruns because of a long-standing feud between the two publications. The AQ, however, hadn’t spoken to a woman since before the COVID-19 lockdown and he hadn’t been outside in about the same amount of time.

“I thought, what the hell?” he said about his decision to go out on the first date.

When he met the Bruns, he couldn’t tell if it was the sun blinding him or her beauty. It was such a divine encounter that he got down on his hands and wept into the Bruns’s sneakers.

The Bruns had a different story to tell. 

“The Aquinian messaged me on Tinder and was like, ‘yo, DTF?” she said in an interview. 

“Then he wanted my Snapchat and asked for pics. It’s honestly pretty pathetic, but if he wants to call it romantic, then all the power to him.” 

When asked why she continued going out on dates with The AQ, the Bruns said she felt sorry for him. 

“I mean, if I’m the only person he’s spoken to in like three years, what the hell is he going to do without me?” she said.

“I bought him dinner. I guess you could think of it as a courageous act of community service or something like that. But when you publish this, can you change my quotes to make me sound better?” 

Once upon a time, there was a great rivalry between The AQ and the Bruns. Ever since The AQ was exiled from the Student Union Building on the University of New Brunswick campus, he has been on a journey of self-discovery. 

“I’m a pretty, high-quality magazine,” said the Bruns. “I bring a lot to the table. He saw that and ‘discovered’ all the pent up sexual frustration of his years alone.”

Although, The AQ has hinted that he wants to revisit the beef, but only in a playful way.

“I’m not gonna lie,” he said. “It’s pretty hot to argue over whose paper is better. I know it’s mine.”

When asked if the Bruns would “joke around” about this, she rolled her eyes.

“At least I have an actual office space,” she quipped. 

When The Aquinian heard about this insult, he felt it wasn’t a joke anymore and that the old rivalry should begin again.

“I was hoping our marriage be like a sort of treaty; a sign of peace. I’m tired of the Bruns thinking they’re better than me,” he said.

Here, The Aquinian contradicts himself and betrays his true feelings. A few days later, he hastily proposed to The Brunswickan.

“Although, I haven’t heard from her since I asked her to marry me last week. I mean, I was just going to ask again. What’s the harm in that?” he said.