Satire: Matt is the hero we need to beat COVID-19

In a time of strife and turmoil, this world needs a hero. That hero is Matt from Wii Sports. (Submitted: Wikitubia)

In a time of strife and turmoil, this world needs a hero. A beacon of light to us all and a shining example of what needs to be done to keep us all safe.

We need Matt from Wii Sports to beat the living shit out of COVID-19.

This bearded boxing aficionado fears nothing and cares for nothing. COVID-19 quivers at the sight of him, the reigning champion of boxing and an in-general beautiful man.

Don’t believe me? Think back to your childhood. Visualize the sweat dripping down your face as you dodge and weave against this boxing fiend. Remember the adrenaline rush, the purest and sweetest loss you feel as Matt downs you again, again and again.

Matt has carved his living legend into the face of modern gaming, just like he will carve his fists into the fiendish virus that terrorizes us all. Truly, it is a flawless plan where absolutely nothing can go wrong.

Carter Lang, a third-year St. Thomas University student, isn’t sure about Matt’s suitability as the hero of our era. He raises an essential question: what is Matt doing to help us now?

“When the world needed him most, he vanished,” said Lang. “I just don’t know how he could muster up the responsibility to help us now, after so much damage has already been done.”

He is now permanently indisposed. The martial arts menace aparated in the interview room after the interview and decided to show Lang exactly what he’s been spending his time doing.

Matt has been waiting for us, locked in rigorous training for the past year. The appearance of virus variants were already predicted by him and he knew we wouldn’t have the strength to stop it.

Not on our own.

With the admittedly violent aid of Matt, we can train the world’s immune systems to end any enemy.

Your body will become a living boxing ring, and the match has only just begun.