So, we finally done did it. We killed Alberta.
With a little help from our good friends the Saudis, we’ve plucked that wild rose and are now using its rotting petals to decorate the “Welcome to New Brunswick” sign people will inevitably ignore as they look for the road signs to Nova Scotia.
Maybe “kill” is a strong word. It’s like just because we’ve stemmed the bleeding from New Brunswickers’ great exodus to the West, we’re convinced, like Monty Python’s black knight, that our feudal, debt-ridden economy is nothing worse than a flesh wound.
Well, all I can say is get used to those awkward unwanted high school reunions as those once happy, hopeful and probably horny Alberta-bound people you once knew come flooding back and force you to make small talk at the bar.
We brought this upon ourselves.
Earlier this month, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said, “Canadians help other Canadians, that’s just how it works,” in light of Alberta’s slump. These weren’t empty words either; no, Trudeau said this after signaling a nearly $1 billion stimulus to the province that spent like the Wolf of Wall Street when times were good
But if Canadians help other Canadians, where’s New Brunswick’s billion? Admittedly this would hardly put a dent in our $12 billion debt, but it’s the thought that counts Mr. Trudeau. Think about how many donairs we could buy.
Besides, New Brunswick is still way worse off. Before too long those Alberta oil drills will be greased up and ready to go for round two.
Nobody says that about New Brunswick. Our drills are dry. We’re practically begging to get fracked.
Did you know one out of five people are senor citizens in this province? In 20 years this number is supposed to rise to be one out of three. In 2014 more people died in New Brunswick than were born.
These aren’t jokes I’ve written; they’re just your life.
New Brunswick’s licence plate slogan used to be, “Be… in this place.” Admittedly, this was not the best slogan. Personally I always thought the ellipsis made our licence plate the greatest game of mad libs ever with personal favourites being “Be sad in this place” and “Be trashed in this place.”
However, this is better than our slogan now, which is “New Nouveau Brunswick Canada.” I don’t know, I guess with a population rusting faster than the cars in rural New Brunswick yards, we might as well double down on the “new” brand. That’s what Trump would do.
While I think doubling down on the “new” is a nice touch, did you know we’re the only province to put “Canada” at the end of our license plate?
If this province has that much trouble distinguishing itself from New Brunswick, New Jersey, than it’s worse than I thought.
All I’m saying is that maybe people need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Sure, there are no jobs in Alberta right now, but if you haven’t been paying attention to Sussex lately (and I don’t blame you if you haven’t) there aren’t exactly a lot of jobs here either.
So while we trumpet, “Thou shall not pass through to Nova Scotia on our overbuilt highways!” the rest of the country points out, “Look you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left.”
And all we can muster is, “I’ve had worse.”
Hey, we can always threaten to bleed on them.
