Congratulations. It’s been two long months since you made the resolution to live a healthier life- no red meat, regular exercise and really taking your horoscope into consideration before making any decisions. So far, it’s impacted your life for the better.
Lately, however, you’ve been feeling a little soft. Not in the abdominal region- oh lord no. Forty-five crunches and a soy-nana shake every morning have made sure of that. It’s a softness in a region that no amount of protein lattes or 40 kilometer runs can tighten up – your heart.
After sobbing your way through two thirds of a downloaded cam version of Avatar (“why is man’s GREED so blind to BEAUTY? WHY?”) you look to your recently purchased LOLcats picture book for comfort (as is your custom). The awkwardly posed felines make you chuckle, and you loudly blow your nose. The force of the wind from your face causes the pages of the book to flutter, falling on the classic I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?!?!? picture.
It’s a sign, you think to yourself. It’s time to man the fuck up.
“Yes, pretty kitty!” You exclaim, quickly rising to your feet “I TOO can has cheeseburger!”
Leaving through an open window to avoid those who might call you a hypocrite, you make your way to the nearest fast food location. You jump up and down impatiently in the line, drawing attention to yourself by sighing loudly when the elderly woman in front of you needs to be assured for the third time that there is no extra charge for ketchup.
You receive your cheeseburger promptly. When you bite into it, you feel the grease squeeze onto your tongue and squeal with delight. All of your usual thoughts of how the burger is probably made mostly of horse hooves and nicotine, and how it’s marketed to you by people who secretly want every inch of the world to be covered in molten plastic temporarily disappear.
All that is left is you, the cheeseburger and the sudden urge to run into the woods and choke a quail with your bare hands. Good for you.
Happy Cheeseburger Day!
