Good sex ain’t for the kids

Viola Pruss - Essential Credentials (Tom Bateman/AQ)

Some say good sex is all about the size of a penis. One likes them large. The next one tells you it’s all about girth.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Different people like different sizes.

It’s definitely not an issue for our vaginas. They are capable of extending several inches, accommodating almost any length. Of course, nobody likes sex with a Smitty’s breakfast sausage.

But even a large penis can lead to tears. Too little foreplay or not being used to sex can increase the risk of a painful experience. They even have a name for that: dyspareunia!

I don’t think size alone makes for good sex. It’s performance and charisma that has us whisper your name in bliss. That’s where the real slackers are found.

I’ll always remember the sight of the black, woolly socks. They belonged to a pair of pale, hairy legs that ended in a long, erect penis prodding in my direction.

People keep memories from their past. Like that old, stuffed animal in the corner of your bed; or the video game you keep though it’s long outdated.

I thought Mickey Mouse was part of my ex’s comic book collection. Now the world’s most famous mouse was smiling back at me from the dark pattern covering his wiggling toes.

I never loved feet. They are unattractive and often covered with a thin crust of crumbs and other dust picked up from the floor.

Perhaps I should have felt honored that he meant to save me from an unpleasant sight. Maybe the explanation, “They always get so cold,” should have provided me with more comfort. But Mickey Mouse couldn’t stir my libido.

People blame their trouble in bed on a number of things. Sometimes we’re stressed, sometimes we lack comfort or love. Often we blame our partner’s inability to please us.

But after a while we might wonder if the other person is the cause of the problem.

I would never sleep with someone who can’t stop talking about their sex life in public. How great it is, how well built they are, how often they do it.

The more you talk, the worse you must be at intercourse. It shows how much you compensate for a lack of experience or skill.

Performance does not start in arousal or giving someone an orgasm. It is the way you act, the way you present yourself and how seriously you can take the other person – before and in bed.

My ex didn’t lack a well-grown penis. Nor do I mind a good portion of humour in the bedroom. Yes, his socks were hilarious – at least to me.

But they also summed up a lack in appeal that grew over time.

How do you sleep with a man that reminds you of a child?