Satire: Flavoured pods face mass extinction in N.B., vape gods left desperate

New Brunswick set a ban for flavoured vape pods on Sept. 1, and since then, a once healthy and robust population is dwindling. (Alex Dascalu/AQ)

This story is satire based off of the government’s recent flavoured vape ban – none of the names or quotes are real.

In New Brunswick nightclubs, bars, middle school bathrooms and the back of the bus — something is missing. The sickly sweet smell of a flavoured vape is gone.

Some might assume the disappearance of the native animal is due to overhunting in the last few years. But the truth is much more sinister.

New Brunswick set a ban on flavoured vape pods that began on Sept. 1. Since then, a once healthy and robust population is dwindling. Much loved species like Canadian moose milk chocolate, blow-your-mind bubblegum and Mrs. Banana Blue are some of the flavours being targeted by GNB.

“We will let you have tobacco still — we just don’t want you to enjoy it,” said health department representative and lifelong smoker Liza Kovasky.

Kovasky recommends a morning dart with your coffee to lessen the harshness of life without flavoured pods.

Though GNB reminds respective parents to be patient, they expect the transition from electric to acoustic to wrap up near Christmas. 

“It’s sad to see that kids these days have lost the taste for the classics,” said Kovasky. “If they saw what we were smoking back in my day, they would understand why the fruity flavours have to go.”

Despite the subtle government push, St. Thomas University students are finding it hard to let go. 

Twenty days into the ban, first-year student Kyle McLeod-Master is facing serious withdrawals. He said lately he was sniffing some scented markers to get the old thrill back.

“The last time I felt alive was when I had a hit of bubblegum cherry,” said McLeod-Master. “I don’t even think it had nic in it, I just like the smell.”

McLeod-Master was one of the good young people who were seduced by big vape’s all too genius marketing. Like many his age, the cookies and cream pod was the gateway into more dangerous flavours like mythical mango.

He said the ban completely cut off his access to the coveted pods. Even when he attempts to order online, the deliveries get confiscated by the mail scanning search implemented by the provincial government to stop the vape addicts in their tracks.

“My girlfriend pulled out a vape at The Cap the other night and there was total carnage,” said McLeod-Master. 

McLeod-Master’s girlfriend, whom he declined to call by name, lost two fake nails before the attackers realized her vape was just regular nicotine.

For fourth-year ex-sellers like Steve Goodhue, who goes by the alias Puff Daddy, the ban leaves him in no-man’s land. The business major said he doesn’t test his merchandise, but certainly misses selling it. Just a week ago he had the world at his feet and a small vape empire at Fredericton High School.

“I just hope this doesn’t backfire and negatively affect the government,” said Goodhue. “That would be a real shame.”

Goodhue hopes that with some passionate people like himself, New Brunswick will once again welcome the great flavoured vape back to its natural home of Irving bathrooms. 

“Rumour has it if you go to the third bathroom stall at the SUB you can find a stash of big blueberry blast in the tampon container,” said Goodhue. “You’ll find an e-transfer written in black sharpie on the ceiling.”