Heather MacInnis, a 25-year-old St. Thomas University student, has been living with cystic fibrosis all her life. Before she left on Jan. 3 for Toronto to undergo a double-lung transplant, she wrote a letter on New Year’s Eve. It read:
I’m not sure how to say this…but this relationship is over. We have always had our struggles, our ups and downs but lately you’ve brought me nothing but misery. Please don’t think that I’m going to change my mind this time; that you’ll perk up, change your attitude and I’ll decide things aren’t so bad and give you another chance to get better. You have run out of chances.
I’m not saying that it’s been all bad, we’ve had some good times together – hitting the gym, the beach, dancing with our friends – but I never know when you’re going to ruin a good time. You’re unpredictable and the way you make me feel in public is embarrassing. I am sick and tired of making excuses for you and telling everyone that we’re okay when we’re obviously not.
I’ve held on more tightly than I should have these last couple of years. This has been a long time coming. What can I say? You’re a part of me. You’ve been there through the ups and the downs, but I think we both know that you’ve caused a great many of the downs. You have always been high maintenance, demanding my attention constantly, ruining vacations and holidays with your bad behaviour and stealing away time that could be spent with my loved ones. Your high maintenance has become overwhelming and unbearable. I have to spend half of my day waiting for you to be ready to leave the house. I’m always having to take time away from my friends to check in and make sure you’re still doing okay. And most nights I end up leaving early just to keep you happy. Working to keep you satisfied used to be outweighed by how good I felt the rest of the time we were together, but we’ve reached that point in our relationship where it’s all work and no play.
I realize that being traded in for a newer model might be offensive, but you’ve left me with no other choice. Your expensive tastes and excessive neediness is more than anyone would willingly tolerate. This relationship has become all about you and I’ve slowly been losing myself. I forget what it feels like to be light-hearted, care-free and full of energy because you’ve drained me of all that. You make me feel ugly, boring and slow and I’m too young to feel this way. You have caused so much pain and have never apologized once.
I’m sure some people wonder why I’ve kept you around so long. I guess I felt bad for you because I know the way you are is not totally your fault and you’ve done your best. I’ve always felt responsible for you and scared of what losing you will feel like. Letting you go means stepping into the unknown – which is terrifying. But you’ve pushed me too far this time and I am ready to leave you behind, ready to try something new, ready to rediscover myself, ready to let go of the pain, panic and fear that comes with being one with you. I have fought for this relationship for so long, but now, on the eve of the New Year, I’m ready to say good-bye.
I’d like to say, ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ but we both know that’s not true. Breathing is no longer optional.
-Heather
You can read more about how Heather’s doing by reading her blog: heathermacinnis.wordpress.com
