Arte Mechante is a character satire by Dylan Sealy.
I believe it was the great poet Charles Bukowski who once said, “My God, I hate women.” (Citation not needed, juss’ truss’ me.) Personally, I’m partial to the opposing gender, given their ability to prove to my father that I’m straight. But Mr. Bukowski has a way of woo that cannot be discounted (the Mechante family doesn’t do discounts).
There is much us fellows (and ladies, as I’m not one to judge in a public format) can learn from Bukowski’s ways when it comes to capturing the attention of the ladies.
Here are a couple handy tips I’ve learned through research into summaries of the dear writer’s works:
1. Be cold and aloof: “He will be charming, incisive, original” (the genius, Bukowski).
There is a well-known statistic which states that over 100 per cent of women are seeking approval from the males in their lives in the same way they sought it from their father. Like a good paternal figure, you can drink away the hours that they spend talking to you, appearing disinterested. This will keep them talking in an attempt to pique your interest.
2. Point out their flaws: “A woman, a/tire that’s flat, a/disease, a/desire…” (the shoelace, Bukowski).
During their search for your approval, it’s going to become very apparent what it is your female friends are insecure about. You’re going to want to pay very close attention to such clues, then go on at length about their flaws around a group of your friends. This lowers their self-esteem and when it reaches an all-time-low, they’re going to be much less likely to leave you.
3. Always be looking/talking/thinking at/with/of other women: “I wonder what she’s doing/now?”/“Probably engaging in oral/copulation…” (song, Bukowski).
When competition arises over a piece of property, people are willing to lower their standards to make sure they “win.” You, plebian, are that property. If your female friend thinks that other women want to obtain you, she’ll hold you much closer (as nothing fills the empty like a flesh wrap with extra desire sauce – not that I ever suffer from that sort of thing! Ha!)
4. Be indignant: “Real women/they have not forgotten,/bowing and smiling” (The Japanese Wife, Bukowski).
By this, of course, I mean being disagreeable in every situation. There are two reasons for this method. When you do something for your lady-friend, then pretend you don’t care (and/or seem very displeased that you did it), you seem modest. This also makes it seem like doing things for them is hard on you and thus more worthwhile each rare occasion that you do. The other plus of this method is that the women-folk will think it’s impossible to make you happy, so they will try much harder to prove themselves. This means much surprise sex and having ladies do things for you that you’d rather not do for yourself (like having any contact with your own genitalia).
Bonus tip: Only focus on yourself. By being completely fixated on numero uno, the ladies will know that you’re great, otherwise you wouldn’t be spending so much time thinking about yourself.
If you were slick enough to catch all that, slugger, you now have Arte Mechante Guarantee™ that you won’t necessarily be alone forever.
