Arte Mechante is a satirical character— for the last eight years he has been attempting to get into STU’s journalism program, but now feels he is above all that and began his own advice column.
Recently, some of the verbal finger-paintings you’ve sent me have pointed out that much of my advice revolves around getting as far away from other people as possible. I would applaud you for reaching a logical conclusion if it wasn’t such a blatant mistake, you cretinous human error. Speaking to me is akin to walking up to your deity of choice and saying, “Hello.” It doesn’t care, and neither do I.
First of all, you should be ashamed that you even wrote to me at all. Have I not yet made it clear that I despise you on a deep level? It’s not my fault your illiteracy makes you stop reading when I use the word ‘you’ and you think, “Oh, he talk to me! He Friend! He Friend!”
Anyway, after the difficult translation of your attempts at sentence-structure, I saw a common theme: You’re all terribly lonely. Regardless of whether you’ve followed my advice, you still suffer from “soul-crushing sadness” (my words, not yours). What I’ve decided to do is give you some helpful advice on avoiding your intensely boring depression. God knows you won’t ever escape it completely.
You’re welcome, in advance.
1. Take your aggression out on the people around you.
Chances are you’re going to be somewhat aggravated due to your inability to get out of bed without sobbing, but stop trying to protect your “friends” from yourself. They’re your “friends” because they “like” you. Therefore, if they can’t deal with your violent outbursts, they’re not really your “friends” at all — they’re not, in any case. Holding in your anger is only going to make it bubble away in your gut until you’ve become hollowed out by the acid. Which may actually be a good thing.
2. Let yourself become hollow.
If you’re experiencing overwhelming feelings of sadness, this is my recommended option. You can’t feel anything if there’s nothing in you to hurt. It’s a lot like being completely invincible. Personally, I’ve been hollow for quite some time. I can’t remember the last time I felt anything. Basically, any time I did, I would burn myself with a cigarette, which really helped me kick the habit. I don’t necessarily recommend utilizing my personal method, as you’re all annoyingly frail and have low mental-pain thresholds.
3. Replace your feelings with external distractions
Now, clearly, using a cigarette is probably going to make you cry. You want to avoid this, not only because you look really ugly when you cry, but because crying involves feeling. There are a plethora of possible options here, but since you’re poor, I recommend finding a less expensive alternative. You could find a hobby. Nothing too strenuous, but something very involving. You could, for example, start playing an addicting online video game. There are plenty of flashing colours and instant-gratification to take complete control of your mind.
In the end, what’s important to remember is that this kind of situation really is only temporary, because you can just ignore vulnerability until it’s no longer an issue, or at least keep up a quick pace so they don’t catch up to you — I recommend ducking behind corners regularly.
“Thanks” for reading, I’m sure it was very difficult for you.
