All is fair in love, war and divorce

He was known for his “performative ability”, and I for my promiscuity. It was a match made in Heaven, or at least by the dumpster behind Burger King. It was a real whopper of a romp, if I do say so myself. That’s our humour we shared(shore?) a comedic sensibility, among other things.

Well, our quick love affair was more fruitful than we anticipated, as it bore us a child. It’s name is Fredrick and it is very cute, but that’s not important. What is important is that since he knocked me up, he felt it only fair that he marry me. So, at dinner one night (this time it was McDonalds, we didn’t want any repeats) he got down on one knee right there and proposed! I was ecstatic, and of course I said yes. He lifted me into his arms and we walked off into our happily ever after.

Until we split. We’re in the process of getting divorced. Oh no, you needn’t comfort me, it’s all a part of marriage. The thing with divorce is it’s stressful as hell. The separation isn’t that hard, the fighting can be a little fun and him leaving me for my mother is oddly flattering, genetically. The most difficult thing about divorce is the division of property. We stupidly opted to not sign a pre-nup before marriage, leaving us in the uncomfortable position of deciding what is “fair”. Tentatively, this is what we’ve come up with:

We split the house 50/50. He gets the basement (unfinished) and I get the attic and so on. With the car, I’ll have three tires, the engine and the left turn signal (he will, however, have it on weekends). Custody is complicated, since in this agreement the child’s belly, right arm, large intestine and 3/4th of it’s head will fall under my care, but my ex-husband will be the legal guardian of Fredrick’s right eye and the surrounding area, of his chest and his lower half (the “becoming a man” discussion is best left to the father) and we are currently in negotiations for the left arm.

I should feel bad that poor Fredrick has to be subjected to all of this at such a young age, but my ex has taken most of my empathy. I did get a fair bit of his fractiousness in the deal, though.

So far, I feel that this is all pretty fair, our lawyers are are still in the midst of working out the formal agreement. I was a tad bit worried with us splitting a lawyer, but my fears were alleviated when he was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder.

We made a final agreement that we will continue to support one another financially. He makes a great deal of money now with an online ad agency, of which I get a small share, and as I continue with my writing career, he only gets to clm th vwls.


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