Satire: Drunk man escapes with condom dispenser after dinner at The Cellar Pub and Grill

A drunk man escaped with condom dispenser and drink pitcher after eating dinner at The Cellar Pub and Grill last week. (Aaron Sousa/AQ)

This story is a satire piece based on the theft of a condom dispenser and a pitcher at The Cellar Pub and Grill last week. None of the sources used are real people.

It was all a blur, according to the witness washing his hands in The Cellar Pub and Grill bathroom on Friday night. He witnessed a man rip a condom dispenser off the wall and fall into a stall door before running off into the night.

“The man’s eyes were bloodshot and he was carrying something under his jacket,” said the witness.

The witness said the man was “clearly impaired,” but it doesn’t make up for the fact that he stole the condoms.

“One or two would’ve been fine. But, come on man, he’s not the only one trying to get laid.”

But the man accused said he didn’t need all the condoms for sex. He said he’s actually a virgin, but was hoping that being called out on social media for his actions would make girls think he was cool.

The man said he wanted a friend who could possibly turn into a life partner.

“Do you know how hard it is?” The man jabbed his finger into The Aquinian reporter’s chest, disrespecting social distancing. “I just want someone to love and you know what they say, condoms are the key to the heart.”

The Aquinian fact-checked that statement and it is not true.

On Tuesday, The Cellar put a call out on social media asking for the man to return the condom machine and pitcher he stole.

“It was embarrassing. I thought it would help my love-life, but nobody even knows it’s me from the post. The people that saw me that night now call me ‘condom boy.’”

A bartender from The Cellar spoke with The Aquinian’s reporter. She said it was something she’d never seen before. She said she noticed the alleged thief stuff the pitcher in his jacket and run towards the bathroom, but the pitcher wasn’t worth much, so it was nothing to chase him after for.

Then, in a whir or colours, she was whooshed around like what happens in cartoons, and the man who ran with the pitcher came throttling back through the dining room with a condom machine held over his head – just so he could go out the proper COVID-19 exit.

“There’s a stairway right by the bathroom,” said the bartender. “I don’t know what would’ve made him care about COVID entrances and exits when he’s literally committing theft.”

The alleged thief said it would’ve been disrespectful to ignore COVID-19 rules. He said he respects The Cellar and the fact that they’ve stayed open during the pandemic and he wouldn’t want to make their life any harder.

But according to the Instagram story post, The Cellar said bringing the stolen items back is what would make their lives easier.

The man said it isn’t that simple.

“You see, I would bring back the items, but I’ve already drilled them into my wall as trophies,” he said. “I had the strength to rip the machine off the bathroom wall on Friday because I was hammered, but I’m not strong enough now. I think it’s called ‘drunk strength.’”

The man said he can’t drill the screws out either because his roommate drilled it in and the man’s mother told him he isn’t allowed to use a drill. The man said his roommate allegedly hasn’t been seen since.

The Cellar’s bartender said it’s all “hogwash.” She said the man should consider bringing back the items because they have him on video.

“Then post the video,” the man shouted in the face of The Aquinian’s reporter. “That’s all I want. I just want a girlfriend. Help me.”

Since the theft on Friday night, there have been four accidental pregnancies due to men not being able to get their condoms from The Cellar’s bathroom.

The man is now facing fines for the pregnancies he’s caused.

The man pushed over his chair and kicked it before leaving one last remark with The Aquinian’s reporter.

“At least they can have sex.”