A Tale of Two Tommies: Boxing Day

Robbie:

All I want for Christmas is … Boxing Day.

Imagine a holiday where you get to sleep in as late as you want, when you wake up your room is full of presents and what’s more, they don’t have paper and tape all over them! This magical day exists.

Boxing Day is being dwarfed by its paternal holiday, Christmas. Go home, Santa! #Freesantaselves #Freehouseelves. It’s time we give credit where credit is due—so take out your credit cards and splurge on those Boxing Day sales.

Boxing Day is for the homebodies and hobbits alike. You don’t have to leave the Shire to have a good time on Boxing Day. You can stay in and read your new copy of the Silmarillion for your Tolkien class in the winter term, or just watch YouTube videos about the Silmarillion so you can say you read it. There are no expectations for this day; it’s great!

But if you enjoy a little adventure, there are no shortages of parties on Boxing Day. Plus, you have the events of Christmas to get you through any awkward conversations with old acquaintances or distant cousins.

And we cannot forget the holy figurehead to our non-hallowed holiday: boxer, entrepreneur, culinary artist, spokesman for InventHelp® (call now 1-800-INVENTION), and founder of the world’s greatest holiday, George Foreman. (The true origins of the holiday are historically unclear).

“In the words of George: Boxing Day knocks out Christmas every year.” (Quote by Robbie Lynn)

What’s a better meal than turkey dinner? A nice steak on the Foreman grill! Or you can eat literally anything else; because, on this holiday, there is no pressure for everyone in the country to collectively genocide a sleep-inducing bird.

Boxing Day is a day everyone gets off work: kids, students, and elves. It’s the day everybody celebrates, but no one is expected to.

Matt:

Do you go to the cinema to watch the end credits? Do you drive solely to buy gas? Do you swim to get sand in places you never knew existed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your name would be Robbie Lynn.

Life is a series of climaxes. We go to the cinema to watch Twilight. We eat to fill ourselves with tuna. We drive to let ‘er rip, bud. Each action has its climax and dénouement; the former is Christmas, the latter Boxing Day. To quote Charlie Brown, pinnacle of North American cinematographic creation, “Christmas Time Is Here.” There is no track 14: “Boxing Day Is Cool Too I Guess.”

Christmas is a magical day where an overweight home invader leaves a series of wrapped objects. Recipients gouge the innards to unlock their “gifts,” all of this taking place under a tree sacrificed for this ritual. The day finishes with a family feast as grandpa hits back the nog harder than in ’84.

Boxing Day is the hangover of Christmas. The presents are unwrapped, the food is cold, and Michael Bublé returns to his 11-month slumber. Most jarring is that Boxing day falls in the five-day limbo between Christmas and New Years Eve, overshadowed by both.

Section 2(a) of the Constitution Act 1982 grants freedom of religion to all Canadians. The Supreme Court case of Central Alberta Dairy Pool v. Alberta 1990 ruled that employers must accommodate to their employees’ religious practices and give them time off when sacredly due. Thus, Christmas is a constitutionally protected day. Anticipate the 2017 case of LeBlanc v. Lynn where the accused’s defamation of Christmas will lead to STU’s first alumni serving 18 life sentences.

The issue can be summed up in John A. MacDonald’s tweet on Sunday: “Boxing Day is the Ringo of days. Bad!” You just can’t spell “Boxing Day” without B-A-D.

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