Moving in and moving up with Joe Tunney

I’m at crossroads; do I drag my bunk beds across the room or do I just hope the public masturbator next door just quiets down?

Isn’t university just filled with tough decisions? Every single choice feels like it could make or break you. “How do I organize my beauty products so Vagisil doesn’t show?” or “Will my parents catch on why I need to buy so much hand lotion each month?”

The answers to these questions will come in time, but I’ve decided I’d give you a couple pro tips since I’ve done this all before. Here’s a little something to make you go from the bottom to the top without having to take off your top.

Classes are important. They’re the reason you came to school (or maybe the girl-to-guy ratio) so it’s important that you keep up with your readings and attend classes.

There’s only one offence worse than not attending class – attending classes in PJ pants. Seriously, this isn’t yoga. This isn’t your bedroom. This is university.

It’s hard to take your comments about the crumbling state of the modern soul seriously when your pants have Hello Kitty waving back at me. Besides, we all know Dr. Seuss PJs are the way to go. Wear real pants.

That last tip should really be the foundation for a basic human being. Here is more of a pro tip:

Last year when I lived in Holy Cross House, I came across a dilemma. The showers are communal and have stalls with open bottoms. The opportunity to shave your… big man on campus doesn’t really exist here. So, plan your trips home accordingly. Tell your parents it’s to see friends, pack an extra razor and pray to God that someone will actually get to see all your hard work.

Now, let’s not beat around the bush – you want to drink, and drink a lot. And now that you’ve left your parents, you definitely will. Pace yourself though; you have nothing to prove.

Last year, I woke up wondering why I had puked under my sink (not in it) and onto my copy of Catcher in the Rye. Don’t let this be you. I believe it was the great philosopher Socrates who first said, “Whoa bro, put that Jägermeister down before you wreck yourself.” He truly was a wise man; I think he died in a drinking accident, though.

University is a time of discovery. You will soon realize the Audrey Hepburn or Bob Dylan poster doesn’t make you seem unique or bold.* You will soon realize waffles and whipped cream every day may seem like heaven but is actually a low level of hell.

You will soon realize that humour columnists are incredibly sexy. But you have to learn it for yourself.

And hopefully you haven’t had to learn the hard way, as Virgil first articulated, to beware of geeks bearing gifts, ** especially if the geeks are on the Welcome Week committee and gifts include condoms and staples.***

 

*I have exactly two Bob Dylan posters in my room.

**Maybe that’s why they were called Trojans?

***Also beware of geeks bearing gifs.

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  • Alex Driscoll

    HAHAHA! FUCKING HILARIOUS!

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