The rules of social dating app Tinder are simple: Swipe right on a profile if you think they’re hot enough to hook-up with and swipe left if you would rather be a character in Oedipus. If you both swipe right, you match: a conversation is opened and the flirting begins. It’s raw, it’s unforgiving. Finally, natural selection can take place without nasty little things like personalities and “being a nice guy” getting in the way.
Some people say they miss the days of face-to-face interactions, but Tinder isn’t about getting to know the other person or establishing meaningful relationships. It’s about seeing how low your standards are and learning how shallow you truly are. Yes, I’m talking to you Narcissus.
I am before you now to teach you what I have learned from wandering through this harsh social climate. Learn from my mistakes, for with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, you need all the help you can get.
The first thing you should know is that I suck at Tinder. My girlfriend and I had a friendly competition of who could get the most matches (no follow-ups, of course), but after a week when she had 20 matches and the only one I had was her, we promptly changed the rules. I only had to get one, one single match, to win the game.
And I kicked her ass.
My match was only 18 and her photo was blurry, but I knew it was love at first swipe. I swiped right and Tinder immediately congratulated me on being able to trick the youth into thinking I’m attractive. I never spoke a word to my beloved. Hell, I can’t even remember her name, but if Tinder was my “Inferno,” she is my Beatrice.
One thing I learned about this underworld: bios are everything.
My first bio was “Don’t tell my girlfriend.” I thought it was funny. After taking one look at the guys on Tinder I realized my comedy would be lost in a sea of douchiness. However, my girlfriend decided to steal my idea and made her bio, “Don’t tell my boyfriend” and that’s when the matches started pouring in.
Which brings me to my next point: All men are slimeballs.
Anyway, I cycled through a few bios until I eventually settled on, “My Pastor told me this would be good for me.” That’s the one that snagged my match.
My next bit of wisdom is: You will discover prejudices you never knew you had.
I’ve never once swiped right on a girl who is either posed in a photo with a horse or says she likes horses in her bio. I don’t know, it’s just weird. And maybe subconsciously, I realized I could never compete with a stallion.
(BTW: If you’re a young woman, you should be prepared to see a lot of dead animals. Lot of hunters out there, and nothing says, “you should date me” like holding the dead deer you just shot.)
Final tip: if you find your siblings on Tinder, you should probably delete the app and sign up for Catholic Studies.
I wish I had more insight to impose but I’m out. So, live, laugh, love, I guess. Laugh at the weirdness of others and love yourself above all.
And if you feel like swiping this Valentines Day, maybe you should just run out and get one of those children’s Valentine cards with little hearts and xoxoxs that says something like, “You’re the cheese to my macaroni,” and leave it on the desk of that cute girl in Crim class. The way I remember it, the ones with Snoopy on them were always big hits.
Just make sure there are no horses.
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