By the time you read this piece, a champion will have been crowned, confetti will fly in the air, and the Giants and Patriots will be 60 minutes closer to their inevitable life of brain trauma.
But just because the game is over, doesn’t mean we can’t play another game.
Liqour and football go together like JaMarcus Russell and purple drank (just YouTube “HBO Real Sports Drinking” for more proof). And alcohol is as much a part of “The Big Game” as washed-up singers performing at halftime and Bob Costas sitting in a high-chair to look as tall as Cris Collinsworth.
With that, I now introduce the “Retroactive Big Game Drinking Game.” Because I didn’t have a column last week in the lead-up to the Super Bowl and this paper is laid out on Sunday – not to mention the campus already has enough of a bad booze rap – we will play this after “The Big Game,” which is what we shall call the New York-New England rematch from now on to avoid NFL litigation, to show you how drunk you would have gotten if you participated on Super Sunday.
Think back to what you saw on NBC for those 12 hours of programming. If you saw one of these things, that would have been a drink. If one of the following happened more than once, that would have been two, three or more gulps. Some were as likely to be seen as the Lombardi trophy. Others were as probable as a Browns-Seahawks championship game next year:
1. A fan holding a cardboard ‘D’ and his neighbour holding a cardboard fence.
2. A panelist making a terrible joke while the rest of the desk pounds the table in hysterics.
3. Knee-jerk reaction from Rodney Harrison that Eli Manning is better than brother Peyton if the Giants win.
4. An American flag. You won’t be surprised how many there are.
5. A song about the U.S.A. Again, you will be surprised how many there are.
6. Army fatigues.
7. A gun.
8. Peyton Manning and Jim Irsay fighting in a suite.
9. A bald eagle.
10. Roman numerals.
11. Jets flying over the stadium.
12. Scantily clad women in bikinis.
13. The word “momentum.”
14. Tom Brady staring angrily into the distance.
15. Eli Manning looking like he lost his puppy.
16. Archie Manning wearing an argyle sweater.
17. Bill Belichick talking in a monotone voice.
18. An American commercial shown on CTV.
19. Gisele Bundchen reading the latest issue of Vogue instead of watching her husband.
20. A part of the pre-game show which has a sponsor sponsoring a sponsor. “It’s the Chevorlet Pre-Anthem Show brought to you by Subway!”
21. A mention of the spread.
22. David Tyree’s helmet catch.
23. Rob Gronkowski screaming: “You haven’t slept with a porn star!” at a Giant.
24. Brett Favre’s penis.
25. Madonna mistaking LMFAO during the halftime show for Boy George and his boyfriend.
26. Madonna tearing her ACL when she bends over.
27. Daughter Lourdes singing “Like A Virgin.” That song applies to her mother as much as “Thank God I’m A Country Boy.”
28. The halftime show is so bad that you beg for Nickelback.
29. A commercial for Smash, debuting the Monday after the Super Bowl on NBC!
30. A blow-out win for either team.
You guys are lucky.
