a. You get rejected after asking someone out while they’re preoccupied
b. You reject someone by lying to them because you’re preoccupied
c. You’re too preoccupied to realize you’re alone
I do a lot of schoolwork at Starbucks. You probably wouldn’t recognize me with my head buried in my laptop.
Once last semester, while working away, a young man felt so inclined to interrupt my heavy-duty studying and ask for my number. I took my headphones out, looked at him from behind reading glasses, and told him I wasn’t looking for anything. He persisted, so I gave him a fake.
Awkward moments like this happen to people (mostly women) everywhere, everyday and they suck. Valentine’s Day can be just another excuse for someone to invade your personal space.
If you think about it, it’s pretty weird. You don’t know the person; they could be a chainsaw killer or a polygamist or an engineering student. Yet, it’s socially acceptable to interrupt a complete stranger and ask for something so personal.
My friend loves to run. During the winter, she would rather run around a track than on the treadmill because she likes to feel like she’s going somewhere. Recently, while in the middle of a lap, she was interrupted when a guy she didn’t know started running next to her.
He ran in sync with her for a couple of minutes before saying: “I’ve been watching you for a while.”
Then, he handed her a piece of paper with his number on it and asked her to call him.
“No,” she said before she could think of something more diplomatic.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said.
She doesn’t.
***
Hollywood has planted the idea in our brains that one day you’ll look across the room, see a girl (or boy) and think, “That’s The One.”
She’s not. That would be crazy. You’ve never even had a conversation.
And it’s not just that notion that is crazy, but it’s incredibly rude to interrupt someone while they are focused on something.
“What that demonstrates is a lack of respect for the other person,” said Jay Remer, an etiquette consultant in St. Andrews.
“You don’t just jump in and expect people to respond to your every will,” he said of asking someone out when they are clearly preoccupied.
We tend to think there are suitable and not-so-suitable times and places to ask someone out. The library and the gym? Traditionally unsuitable. A bar or event? Traditionally suitable.
But Remer said there isn’t a wrong place to ask someone out. It’s not that you can never ask someone out at the gym, but the right time to ask someone is when you have their undivided attention.
“This is not asking for directions…you have to think about a lot of steps that have to be made before you can ask someone out.
“Etiquette often involves putting the other person’s feelings first.”
In other words, it just takes a little common sense and courtesy and good timing.
But why is it that women so often feel the need to lie about their circumstances — their numbers or whether or not they have boyfriends? Maybe women just need to be a bit more assertive — say what you think and don’t be afraid to make the first move.
After all, this is the 21st century; to leave everything up to the guy is simply not fair – for women or men.
