Matt:
Some people count the progression of time in minutes and years, others in the ceaseless cycle of seasons. Many children worship the advent of Santa the home invader as clear markers of time. Canadians have their own annual tradition etched into their civic DNA: the season of Roll Up the Rim.
In the beginning Tim created the doughnut and the coffee. Campus was drowsy and sleepy, crankiness was below the surface, and Tim was cherishing His lovely liquid. And Tim said, “Let there be Tim’s,” and there was coffee. Tim saw the coffee was good, and he separated it into light and medium and dark. Tim called the sugar and the cream “double double.” And there was happiness.
And Tim said, “Let there be mystique so that there is excitement between the mundane months.” So Tim made the campaign to separate the normal coffee drinking times with the exciting coffee times. And it was so. Tim called the campaign “Roll Up.” And it was February, and there was caffeinated mystique – the great days.
Such is the magical history of Roll Up the Rim, a tradition that has only intensified in the fermenting Canadian coffee markets. Roll Up is a time of capitalist miracles. Imagine paying two bulls for a cow only to find out the cow gave birth to twins. Is there a sign more definitive that a divine force overlooks us? If you ever enter into a debate with Richard Dawkins, simply quote this article.
The most memorable part of the Roll Up campaign is its focus on the R. Make no mistake: it is not “roll,” it is “rrrrrrrrroll!” Compare this to the French slogan of “Déroule le rebord pour ganger”: it is not “déroule,” it is “dérrrrrrrroule!” Tim’s upholds the equal French and English status of s.16 of the Charter through these R’s. Nothing is more sacred than Roll Up.
Robbie:
Dear Political Science Undergraduate,
So young, so naïve, you failed to mention even once that Tim Horton played hockey. We do not need your CreHortonist tale to celebrate Roll Up. Let me tell you the true story of Tim Horton, the man.
Tim Horton (Jan. 12, 1930 – Feb. 21, 1974) had a normal Canadian childhood during the Great Depression, so yeah, it was pretty tough.
With hard work and talent, Tim rose above his peers on the outdoor hockey rinks of Cochrane, Ont., until he was naturally selected in the 1948 NHL draft to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Tim Horton played 24 seasons in the NHL during which he won four Stanley Cups with the Maple Leafs.
Political Science Undergraduate, the mythological foundations have already been laid — heritage moments couldn’t do better! Mr. Hockey himself, Gordie Howe gave Tim Horton the title, “the strongest man in hockey.” Called “Superman” by his disciples, goaltender Johnney Bower stated Tim could throw railroad ties “like they were toothpicks,” and teammate Dave Keon claimed the man could “lift a filled 40-gallon oil drum.”
No other restaurant chain has a founder that can measure up to Tim; he was six feet tall on skates. Wendy is not Pippi Longstocking. MacDonald’s was stolen from the MacDonald brothers by Michael Keaton. Bell, let’s Taco ‘bout how you weren’t Mexican. And Harvey, if that’s even your real name … oh wait, it’s not, Rrrrrick.
Your myth is full of alternative facts. Tim Hortons only has two roasts, not three, and the dark roast was only introduced in 2013. To quote Richard Dawkins, the very idea of supernatural magic – including Roll Up the Rim – is incoherent, devoid of sensible meaning.
I would never blasphemy Tim Horton, but he needs to be celebrated as the great Canadian Irishman he was, not as some fantastical leprechaun.
But ya, Roll Up is great, can’t argue with that!
