Matt:
Top three best chairs:
III. Fern in Great Hall
So many people sit in the Great Hall’s leather chairs because it’s “conventional” and “not weird.” If only they could grow a spine and push against peer pressure: the various ferns sprinkled around are the true seats. The moist mulch provides soft cushioning whilst the leaves allow for a more private study experience.
II. Toilet in left stall of JDH basement’s men’s bathroom
This selection is the most obvious on the list. The wafting stench of the men’s bathroom establishes a welcoming ‘odeur de moule.’ The cramped aesthetic is comforting, the porcelain pleasant and the awkward gap between stall door and wall reminds you that someone is always watching.
I. President Dawn Russell’s golden bejewelled throne
You have to bet big to win big. Dangle yourself from the roof and break through the window with a glasscutter. Once in, pull the copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul from the bookcase and a secret throne will rise from the floor. It is complete with a bobblehead of Stéphane Dion, famous voice actor for Kermit the Frog.
Top three worst chairs:
III. Already-occupied chair in JDH
We’ve all known the motto since kindergarten: “sharing is caring.” Nevertheless the studiers in JDH get touchy when you sit on their lap and make a new friend. Section 15(1) of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees “equal protection and equal benefit;” what’s equal about them hogging the goods?
II. Stone orb between MMH and BMH
There are two major problems with this chair. First, it’s far too spherical, forcing you to sprawl out like a flapjack. Second, it’s always wet for some reason. To be fair, it does recreate the JDH stall’s scent in a flavourful way.
I. The campus chaplain’s pulpit
This is the worst chair because it isn’t a chair. In the word of the Donald, “Sad!”
Robbie:
Top 3 best chairs:
1. Toilet in right stall of JDH basement’s men’s bathroom
I thought this was the most obvious selection on my list, until some political-science undergrad made the rookie mistake of taking the left stall over the highly superior one to the right side. You never want to be downwind in a bathroom when that northern wind is whipping up under stall, you’re going want the right side.
2. Chris Saad’s throne in the heavens of the Blackbox
The chair of Chris Saad, the theatre god himself. From his chair in the booth of the Blackbox, technical director Mr. Saad commands the light and sound of the theatre world. This real throne has far greater power than any bejewelled or iron thrones found in fantasies fabricated from the perverted minds of old men or young political-science undergrads dreaming of Stéphane Dion.
3. Your own chair, dude
Whichever chair you’re sitting in right now. Appreciate that special chair in your life. Imagine how it feels to hold up your entire weight, keeping you from crashing to the earth, caught in a perpetual proxy war between you and gravity. Thou shall not covet another person’s chair.
Top 3 worst chairs:
1. Outside sitting
Narnia is cursed with winter, the long night is upon us, Canada is real. Despite what the perfect photos may display on the STU website, nobody is writing essays or having basket socials out on the grass. Have you ever seen anyone just sitting on those red benches outside, twiddling their thumbs? No way, five minutes out there and you’ll lose one of those twiddlers.
2. Desk-chairs
Come on. Either be a chair or a desk; we don’t have time for this hybrid play.
3. Chair 213 F of the Kinsella Auditorium
And finally, you know chair 213 F in the Kinsella Auditorium? Yeah, that chair is the worst.
