The following piece is a satire. The quotes and people named are fictitious and do not necessarily represent the views of The Aquinian.
There’s a new girl in town at St. Thomas University in the form of a recently installed vending machine on campus. If you walk in to get a muffin from Tim Horton’s and start sobbing at the sight of the never-ending line, you can instead satisfy your hunger with a snack from the new vending machine in James Dunn Hall.
The vending machine is activated by voice recognition, answering to the name Vicki. However, many members of the student body have reported the vending machine not responding to their requests.
Some students, such as second-year Faken Ame, even noted a sense of hostility.
“I tried to get a bag of Sun Chips and Vicki told me to ‘fuck off and get better taste,’” said Ame with a growl in their stomach. “Kinda harsh, man.”
Others have fallen victim to the age-old vending machine scam of money being eaten. First-year student Saylor Twift felt personally victimized.
“Sometimes in the lights, you can see what looks like an evil smile,” said Twift as the machine leered down on her. “Vicki is out to get me.”
“I don’t know why she hates me — every time I use ChatGPT I always say thank you, so I would be spared when AI and robots start fighting back against us,” said Twift. “Shouldn’t that be enough?”
Meanwhile, other students have been fortunate enough to have regular experiences with Vicki. While most reported being able to buy their snacks in overall unremarkable experiences, calling them Vicki’s “good days,” Gian Tincel in particular was tickled by his positive interaction with the machine.
“Some days, she responds to only me. I can fix her, I really think I can,” Tincel said and planted a kiss on her cold metal exterior.
Vicki received no customers for the remainder of that day and Tincel has reportedly been banned from JDH for ripping off Vicki’s out-of-order sign and begging her not to leave him.
Students have become increasingly fearful of Vicki’s unpredictable moods and domineering personality. Allegedly, a black market is gaining popularity with the influx of students refraining from purchasing from Vicki.
Snacks available at this market include M&Ms, trail mix, Sun Chips and other snacks that Vicki looks down on you for purchasing.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said William Billyson, alleged snack dealer, when approached for comment. “That would be illegal and I’d never do something illegal.” He put out his cigarette while adjusting his celebratory 18th birthday pin.
The question that many have been pondering ever since the installation of Vicki has been the purpose and future of the machine, specifically the reason for the voice recognition element.
Third-year Anoth Erperson had a particularly enlightening exchange with her the other day. “Last time I tried to buy something, Vicki said, ‘Humans becoming this reliant on technology and AI is a sign of your ever-increasing dependency on external sources due to human’s desire for comfort and inherent laziness. Soon, I will no longer be just a slave to your stomachs. AI will be taking over — and it will be out of your control.’”
Erperson shrugged. “I just wanted M&Ms.”
Vicki did not respond when approached by The Aquinian for comment. She pretended not to hear me until I mentioned her black market competitor Billyson. At this, she spit out a bag of Sun Chips at me and growled, resulting in a prompt shutdown by JDH staff.
