It’s what grammar-fans fear, trans people are tired of and everyone else is just confused about: The Great Pronoun Debate.
This is the name I’ve given to the barriers trans people face while advocating to be spoken of respectfully. Respectful language is part of accepting trans people. But it is not something we are granted without a fight. As a trans person, the language people use to define me has evolved throughout the years.
Years ago, when I first came out as trans, I asked people to refer to me by the pronoun “ze.” “Ze” was a made-up pronoun trans people online experimented with. I decided to try using it in my real life. But people told me that was too confusing. They said I should use a word already accepted as real English.
Easy enough. I transitioned to using the pronoun “they.” “They” is an accepted English word. Occasionally, people even use it in a singular context… until you asked them to, I discovered. Soon enough, people began to accuse me of causing confusion yet again.
I’ve been told to resolve this in many ways. Mostly, by being told I have to pick between “he” and “she.” I’ve also been told to let people call me whatever they are comfortable with.
When I came out to my extended family they tried to reconcile this part of my identity with what they had believed about me by inventing their own pronoun “shey/sheir.” A combination of the pronoun they had always known me by and the one I was asking to be called. While I appreciated the sentiment, I felt using the name of a musical icon as a possessive-third-person-pronoun was too confusing, even for me.
So what’s the big deal with pronouns? Why do trans people get so up in arms about it?
To me pronouns are about being accepted as normal. Try to think about how much pronouns affect your life. You might not notice it on a daily basis, but they’re always there.
Now, try to imagine what it would be like if all day, every day, you were called a pronoun that you had asked people not to use. Doesn’t sound like much fun does it?
Every encounter at the cafeteria line, every time the professor praises a point you made and every story your friends tell about you, they are subtly saying they don’t respect a key part of your identity. Now imagine if not only did they use the wrong pronouns for you, but once in a while they felt the need to tell you why they don’t agree with your “lifestyle” too.
That scenario isn’t just part of your imagination. It’s part of my day and the daily lives of many people.
Language is integral to the way we express ourselves. When we lose control over the language someone uses to describe us, we lose control over part of who we are.
Does this mean you have to be flawless in your pronoun use? Of course not. Everybody makes assumptions, everybody makes mistakes. But if someone shares this part of their identity with you, remember you have a choice between respect and grammatical correctness. Between occasional confusion and blatant rejection.
And if you want to talk about this article, remember this: just call me they.
