Pro-tips for getting lost in Canada
When thinking about trying something new and sexy with your partner, make sure to ask first and not just dive into — wait, that’s not this article, is it? What am I even writing about, again?
Oh yeah. Hitchhiking. I’m not really an expert on the subject, but I did it for the first time this summer and didn’t get robbed or kidnapped, so I guess I’m an expert on the subject. I never figured I’d be able to travel this way (due to my allergy to stab wounds), but circumstances demanded it. When there’s a fine piece of girl meat — with all respect to her — in a reasonably nearby city and your pockets are looking kinda tight, it becomes a pretty viable option.
Sometime in June, I hitchhiked from Fredericton to Halifax. All in all, it took eight hours travel time each way. Only about two hours on either side were spent walking while waiting for the next ride, and we passed that time by screaming Steppenwolf songs into oncoming traffic. I had it bloody easy, and if you want it easy like me, here is a list of tips and other derp that I think you might find pretty derp:
1. A guy and a girl pair are most likely to get picked up. (And are the safest!)
This one makes sense, though I didn’t think about it at first. One guy is an axe murderer. One girl is an easy target. Two guys escaped from a chain gang. Two girls are an easy target plus a bonus round. I brought along a gal pal and it worked out for the best– every person who picked us up had a sort of notion that we were lovers in a dangerous time, and we definitely went along with that. Oh yeah, her daddy’s a tyrant so we’re eloping and starting new wherever we land. Why yes, we were high school sweethearts. Yup, our wedding dance is going to be a Bruce Springsteen song.
2. Dress nicely.
If you look respectable, people will want you in their car. If you have face tattoos and a dog, you will not get picked up. This is a really simple rule and was echoed by everyone who picked us up. But seriously, we passed by this guy with a face tattoo and a dog. Why did he have a dog?
3. Pack a lunch.
Unfortunately, there are not many restaurants on the highway. You mostly have to travel into town for that sort of thing, and that’s a pretty annoying detour. I survived off almonds, V8 and steak sandwiches and I highly recommend it. I might even publish a diet book about it.
4. Be talkative- but talk about the weather only.
Most people will exclusively talk about fluffy subjects, but you will get the occasional Bosnian war veteran who has seen some shit and is willing to share it with you. Unfortunately, while listening to the radio I made an idle comment about motorcycle legislation, which I know nothing about (but enough to sound like a jackass). The driver flew off the handle at me. After he calmed down he told me all his war stories and it started to feel like maybe walking the rest of the way wasn’t such a bad idea. The rant eventually led into politics and this is where I heard some of the best statements ever voiced. Some of his arguments for the malfunctioning state of public health care with high volumes of immigration were pretty valid, but he prefaced the conversation by saying, “Well, you know that the world is run by seven people—most of which are Jewish.” I don’t think I’ve ever had to stifle a laugh so hard in my life. While all this was going down, my adventure buddy was napping in the back seat, and she emerged from the trip unscathed. Another clever tactic to remember: when you are picked up by someone crazy, pretend you are asleep so they can’t say scary things to you and frighten the hell out of your friend instead.
5. Use your assets
Men love breasteses, and this was proven quite well on my trip. Thanks to rule number one: I had a girl on my side that could hike her skirt up a bit and pull her top down a bit. That shit is like catnip to fellers. We were picked up almost exclusively by men, and our last ride was from a long haul truck driver who could barely focus on the road due to the ample bosom to his right. I took a nap in the sleeper area (revenge for the war stories adventure) and apparently the guy was fascinated with my pal’s mammalian protuberances. Neither of us cared, we just wanted to get home at this point.
6. Try to build up good karma before you go.
Save that building from the burning old lady. Even if you don’t believe in karma, it can’t hurt to try to set a good path ahead for yourself.
I’ve decided to take a break from the hitchhiking scene for a while to let my good luck recharge. Instead it’s my turn to teach the youngsters how to properly do it. As a seasoned veteran in the game, I have some other little helpful hints: invest in a good marker to make a clear sign- or people will just wave at you as they pass by. Bring along some gold bond or something in case you get a chafe because if you walk for two hours with a heat rash you are going to be looking for a stream deep enough to drown yourself in. There is no shame in buying a $1.39 hamburger on a credit card. And, most importantly, don’t stress about it. You’ll probably get there before dark, and the only thing getting stressed will do is piss off your companion and she will not sing Steppenwolf with you anymore.
