So, UNB kids, you’ve been left high and dry without classes since profs and admin decided to play spin the bottle with your tuition money. You’ve come crawling back to me, looking for entertainment – something, anything – to pass the time. Well, you’re in luck. Not only does the long arc of the universe bend towards justice, but comedy as well. I, your saviour, have come bearing a list (commandments if you will) of things you can do to pass the time until the frail, mortal, institution you call a “university” gets its shit together. Now come closer lovelies, hear my tale, and all will be better.
Or just get drunk at the Cellar. I heard its wing night.
The first thing you should do with your free time is play the Picket Line Drinking Game. The rules are simple. Take a shot every time you hear the word “proletariat,” a double for the word “solidarity,” and an entire bottle of moonshine whenever you hear “I’m freezing my balls off out here, can we please go inside?” Extra points if you can find someone who actually knows what a strike is. “What do you mean I can’t get into my office or use my email?”
The second thing you should do is park in UNB president Eddy Campbell’s parking spot while it’s vacant. It’s not like he uses it anyways; private jets take up two spots.
And you guys are math geeks right? Could you help me with a math problem I’ve been having?
If UNB enrolment is going down, and the profs want a raise but can’t get it, yet Fast Eddy’s yearly salary is upward of $350 K, how much did the devil pay for Eddy’s soul?
I went down there the other day to ask you guys in person, but it was so depressing. Without the motivation of going to class, everybody was wearing pajamas pants and gross sweatshirts. Really out of character.*
The third thing for you to do is buy me a beer. The administration and faculty union don’t seem to understand that if they don’t reach an agreement soon neither of them will get any money. It will all be in the pockets of the Cellar waitresses. Just as well though, I did learn more in the drunk tank than I ever did at university. Today’s lesson: don’t drop the soap.
A fourth thing you can do is cancel any trips planned for March break.
Not to be butt-hurt about it, but I’m not exactly sure why professors are complaining. Do you know what I could do with $100,000 a year? I don’t know, maybe pay off the student debt that will inevitably grow when the administration makes the students pay for the salary increase. Either that or buy cocaine, a lot of cocaine. Have you seen Wolf of Wall Street? Who says there are no more role models?
The fifth, final and most important thing to do with your free time is to send this humour column to all your friends. Sorry for the shameless self-promotion but what else are you going to do?
#sorrynotsorry
*My one obligatory UNB cheap shot.
