The last thing I expected to see when I was walking into the Cellar is Stephen Harper, Justin Trudeau and Darth Vader sitting at a table having a political debate. But weirder things happen at Toronto City Hall every day. So, I sat down at their table, threw in on a pitcher of beer and asked a few questions.
Me: So, what do you guys think the toughest part of running a government is?
Harper: I’d say dealing with expense account swindlers like Mike Duffy.
Vader: Duffy? Try Jabba. That dude’s murder at a buffet table.
Trudeau: Steve-O, how about your friend Rob Ford? There’s nothing that guy won’t eat.
Vader: Well, one thing I’ve learned about running an empire as diverse as mine, you need to be a cunning linguist.
Harper: Can we keep it clean guys? You’re offending my conservative family values.
Vader: I might have to agree with you there, CP30, I find the biggest challenge of raping and pillaging an empire to be finding quality family time with my kids.
Me: Yeah, kids grow up fast. Soon they’ll be trying to replace you in the political order.
Vader: Isn’t that right Justin?
Trudeau: Not cool guys.
Me: Darth, you seem to be having problems with that beer. Can I order you something with a straw? A Pink Lady, maybe? Anyway, Justin, you’ve been pushing for the legalization of marijuana lately. What’s everybody opinion on drug use?
Trudeau: I’ve used it, but I’ve never exhaled.
Harper: Alright Kumar, settle down. Personally, I’m asthmatic, so smoking anything is out of the question.
Vader: You too? Need to borrow my puffer?
Harper: Funny. Anyways, I’d really rather not talk about drug use, not with Ford still on the loose.
Vader: I know what it’s like to have a Ford on your hands. Of course Harrison Ford’s a bit of a lighter load to carry.
Harper: Well, at least I didn’t let my Ford marry my daughter.
Trudeau: Better Ford then the first choice I suppose. Is that the type of “quality family time” you were talking about Vader?
Vader: You guys crack me up.
Me: Kind of lame, Darth. Different subject. Mr. Prime Minister, what’s with all the cuts to science and muzzling of scientists?
Harper: I’m trying to make this country more attractive for resource investment and development, tar sands in every driveway.
Trudeau: What we need to protect is our environment. It is one of Canada’s greatest resources.
Harper: Except on four-twenty, apparently.
Trudeau: Cute.
Harper: Justin, we all know how you admire the Empire… When they put their mind to creating a death star…
Vader: As much as I hate to agree with Bill or Ted with that excellent-adventure grin over here, what can I say? Science made me.
Harper: That, and three shitty prequels.
Trudeau: Vader, I would say “burnnnn,” but I’ve looked, and it’s not as bad as your face.
Harper: Always talking about “burns” aren’t we, Justin?
Trudeau: Whatever Steve-O, at least Vader has a reason for having helmet hair.
Vader: Ha, the force is strong with this one.
Harper: Oh, don’t give me that “Force” bullshit Vader. Next thing you’ll be trying to sell me is a L. Ron Hubbard book.
Vader: Well, at least I abide by a religion. At least it has an ethos stronger than, “Let the wafer be in my pocket.”
Me: Justin, what do you believe in?
Harper: Joe, don’t waste your time, I don’t think “Dudism” counts.
Trudeau: Alright guys, enough of this. I’m done.
Harper: Oh come on, we were just having a bit of fun. We’ll order some nachos if you’ve got the munchies.
Vader: If you come back, I’ll tell you who your real father is.
Trudeau: Oh sod-off. I hope you and Mickey Moose are real happy together. I’m gone.
At a this point, I also decided to slip out of the conversation, partly because I was tired and had a lot to reflect on, but mostly because I wanted to know if I could buy a five-bag off Justin.
May the Ford be with you.
