I had the privilege of serving you your beer and nachos at a downtown pub this summer. Thus, I was there every step of the way while you were sweating bullets on your first dates. I have come to the realization that no matter how much gel you put in your hair or how much Kleenex you shove into your bra, you can never be fully prepared for a first date.
Reality check: First dates are going to be awkward no matter what. They are the equivalent of falling off a brick building – a thousand times.
As a witness to your first date, ladies, I know that the cute $60 dress was not something you found “just lying around.” In fact, you spent about a week looking for the perfect balance – not-too-Lady Gaga-ish but not too Grandma-Pearl-like either. And no you don’t look fat.
I understand that you’d rather eat a burger and fries as opposed to a glass of water and a house salad with light ranch dressing on the side. Guys, when you babble on about getting to level 85 in World of Warcraft and are ranked in the top two per cent on the planet – that’s a turn off, not a turn on.
When you talk about your new 502 Big Block that you just bought for your ‘69 Camaro SS, unfortunately that goes over most of our heads. Also, I know that when the girl offers to pay for her own meal, she doesn’t actually mean it and devastation overtakes her when she has to pull out her debit card.
And for the both of you, it’s obvious that as soon as you enter the restaurant you scan the premises to make sure you don’t see anyone you know. It would be uncomfortable trying to explain to your next door neighbor whether or not your date is a friend or your future wife. And I am fully aware that you both are creating fictional tales to make yourselves sound more interesting. No, you’re not related to Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Finally, you’re not really listening to one another talk since you’re both freaking out about whether or not you’ll kiss at the end of the night. And if so, the dilemma still remains: Will you use tongue?
I admit some of my first dates haven’t exactly come out of a fairytale, more like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. For example instead of flowers, I drove myself to the restaurant. Instead of “Do you have any pets?” I got “Do you have a tramp stamp?” Instead of “Would you like dessert?” I got “Would you like to see my retainer?” And instead of “I had a really good time, can I call you later?” I got “I noticed you have some empty coffee cups in your car as I was looking in it the other day, while you were at work.”
So on your next first date remember: Don’t order wings, its gross when you get it all over your face. Don’t talk about yourself all night, it’s annoying. Don’t text at the dinner table, that’s rude. And don’t sweat it, everything will be fine, as long as you keep your retainer at home.
