In fifth grade the health nurse wheeled in the old TV-on-a-stand contraption, popped a fictional video tape into the VCR and flicked off the lights.
I watched an ultra-thin swimmer refuse meals, faint and regurgitate her food in the bathroom toilet. The swimmer denied she had a problem until she eventually wound up in the hospital with a feeding tube shoved down her throat.
When it was over, the nurse switched on the lights. I turned to my friend and said, “how gross. I could never do that to myself.”
But somehow, three years later, I was 13 and my starving body was lying in a hospital bed with severe anorexia. The doctors said I could have died at any second. It would have been as easy as falling asleep without ever waking up.
According to the Calgary Mental Health Association 10-20 per cent of people who experience anorexia die from complications related to the disease, the highest rate for any mental illness. Anorexia is the leading psychiatric cause of death for women between ages 16-24.
“All of us are at risk” said Kathryn Weaver, associate professor at the University of New Brunswick. “[Anyone from] any walk of life, any socio-economic status, age, race can have an eating disorder.”
When I suffered from an eating disorder, I was roughly five-feet-five-inches and my weight hovered around 60 pounds. That’s about half of what it should have been. My heart rate was usually less than 40 beats per minute – an average heart rate for a 13 year old is between 60-100 beats per minute.
People with eating disorders tend to try to control their intake of food. It’s a way to cope with difficulties, such as stress. But they are complex problems; eating disorders are about more than food and body image.
I began feeling particularly self-conscious about my looks when I was about 11-years-old. When I turned 12, I started skipping meals. By the time I reached 13, I looked like a corpse. My skin was sallow and stretched across my knobbly bones.
Size double-zero jeans were baggy on me and extra-small shirts that were intended to be tight drooped off my body as if they were two sizes too big. My long, damaged hair fell out in clumps. When I looked in the mirror, desperate and vacant stared back at me. Eyes that longed for something I wouldn’t let them have.
According to a 2002 Statistics Canada survey, 1.5 per cent of Canadian women aged 15–24 years had an eating disorder. However, Weaver attributes low numbers to the fact many people do not report having an eating disorder. Others don’t meet the specific criteria for a clinical diagnosis of an eating disorder. Plus, statistics on eating disorders are not as thoroughly documented as they could be.
“I think it affects more people than the numbers show,” said Weaver. “They seem to affect our brightest. People who are young and going to make a difference in the world.”
Those suffering with an eating disorder are susceptible to cardiac arrhythmias, heart failure, kidney failure, cognitive deficiencies, a weakened immune system, osteopenia and osteoporosis among a slew of other problems.
I was perpetually cold: a kind of permanent shiver that not even seven cups of tea could cure. On the chilly winter mornings, I wore several layers to keep me warm and hide my malnourished body from the rest of the world.
“She’ll probably be wearing her winter coat in the summer,” a boy’s snide remark is still burned into my mind.
In the hallways and in the classroom, people shot sympathetic looks my way and exchanged whispers. At home, my parents pestered me to eat, but I simply couldn’t.
Along with their serious and life-threatening physical symptoms, eating disorders are often accompanied by suicidal thoughts and depression.
“An eating disorder attacks almost every organ,” said Weaver. “The stigma and not talking about it are part of the reason why people are not seeking the help they need.”
There is no cure for an eating disorder, but more acceptance of body types in the media, more information and less stigma surrounding mental health would go a long way in helping to prevent their prevalence. The sooner people receive help, the sooner and better they will be able to heal their wounds and bodies.
“The sooner we intervene the greater the chance the person has of overthrowing the eating disorder earlier and not suffering some of the long term consequences,” said Weaver.
My experience with an eating disorder will always be a part of me. But after recovering, it is no longer an impediment or a hindrance on the life I live or on my hopes and goals for the future. A bright future full of achievements.
“We need that whole range and spectrum of different body types represented. We need to celebrate the diversity,” said Weaver. “People who have recovered from an eating disorder can go on to live full and wonderful lives.”
