I have been dating my left hand for the last eight years. We’ve had our ups and down (pun intended) but it’s been a loving relationship overall. But I have to tell you a secret; I think we’re going to break up. She’s so clingy; she won’t let go. I feel bad because we grew up together, but it’s like everywhere I go my left hand has to be right there, doing everything for me. She opens doors, shakes people’s hands; for goodness sake she even spoon-feeds me. I’m in university. I want to try different things, meet other hands, other people’s hands, maybe a sock or two.
It’s just hard to break up with somebody in this social media age. How am I supposed to, say, break up with a girl when she’s one of my only followers on Vine? I need her. And even if I do manage to call it off, I still see all her shit in my newsfeed. Just because she’s sad doesn’t mean it’s OK to use that gaudy toaster filter on her photos.
And what is the proper way to break up with someone over social media anyways? Do I tweet it? Poke her to death? Spell it out in Emojis? Personally I’m a fan of Snapchatting my break-ups. Set the snap to four seconds or less.
Luckily for all us confused cads, on the eighth day God made the Turkey Dump. Thanksgiving weekend provides either a good opportunity to go home and break up with your hometown lover, or dump your university sweetheart and escape home so you don’t have to see his or her face anymore. It’s like an episode of Punk’d but instead of Ashton Kutcher telling them it was a joke, the world steps in and makes them fat.
A holiday we can all celebrate.
St. Thomas student Sam Crowell participated in this year’s Dumping of the Turkeys (my term, not his). Crowell and his boyfriend broke up a few days before Crowell headed to Boston with his family for the long weekend. Despite not liking that he’s now a cliché, he told me his experience with the dump was a good one.
Crowell: Honestly, like, there are periods when you think about breaking up with somebody – it seems like Thanksgiving [is the best]. It’s away from Christmas, his birthday is in November, so October kind of seems like if there was a time to do anything… it’s not a relationship thing. It’s a time to go back to your family so they won’t feel alone.
Me: Or you made him cry over his turkey.
Crowell: Or that. I’m sorry if that happened.
Me: Would you recommend the turkey dump to others?
Crowell: Yeah, it’s a pretty good time. Good time apart.
That’s the one feature Facebook doesn’t offer: space. I don’t like being able to read every text my ex and I have sent each other in the last two years, or that 53 people “like” the fact we broke up. I don’t like seeing that she has added “Misandry,” and “Taxidermy” to her list of hobbies on Facebook. Breaking up should be like driving a car: when you hit a roadblock, walk away briskly and pretend you weren’t driving. To paraphrase Gwyneth, an unconscious uncoupling. What’s the big deal? I didn’t break your heart, I ungirlfriended you!
But if worse comes to worse, just remember you can always make a MySpace account. She’ll never find you there.
On second thought, I won’t break up with my left hand. It would be too awkward (and physically painful). Besides, I’d hate to bump into her at a party and see my left hand fondling some other guy. She may be needy, but at least she helps me pick up the pieces when I fall apart. Also, I couldn’t live with just my right hand. Have you seen that guy write? He’s not all there.
It’s like my mom always said, if I can’t be handsome, be handy.
