If you haven’t seen the TV show It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you need to be doing that instead of reading this paper.
If you enjoy jokes about welfare, abortion, Jihad, or any number of other generally politically incorrect scenarios, this is the show for you. I mean, how can you not like a show with titles like “The Aluminum Monster Vs. Fatty Magoo”? It’s not possible. Go buy the seasons and watch every episode. You’re welcome in advance.
There is an episode of this wonderful show called “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.” Dennis, the resident handsome boy of the cast regulars, tells his friends of a system that he devised long ago to get women to have sex with him. This system is as follows:
D – Demonstrate Value
E – Engage Physically (Have sex)
N – Nurture Dependence (Have sex)
N – Neglect Emotionally
I – Inspire Hope (Have great sex)
S – Separate Entirely.
Through these six simple steps a man is able to have passionate sex with a woman at least three times without the hassle of having to have a relationship with the woman after. After several minutes of contemplation, I realized this is one of the most brilliant systems ever created, even if it was designed by a fictional character in order to trick women into sleeping with men. It is ridiculously effective.
But then I thought, wait a minute. Women have needs too.
And that’s when I decided to create the female DENNIS system. I put the question on Facebook and my good friend Craig, who is aware of my various failings with romantic relationships, came up with the KATELIN system. I am both impressed with his insight into my dating ritual, as well as appalled that this is what my dating ritual generally looks like. I started out intending to give a detailed instructional guide for ladies to do the same thing that Dennis does in the show, but instead realized that my steps to seduction are much more hilarious. Behold:
K – Keep your cool.
A – Arrange a date at a coffee shop on King Street.
T – Talk about sensitive issues.
E – Evaluate whether or not he is a bigot
L – Lie and say you are busy for several weeks.
I – Invent a nickname for every failed date to remind yourself never to date a guy who thinks “red is the fastest colour”.
N – Nap on the couch watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia to recover.
And there you have it – my foolproof seven-step program to awkward dates. You’ll probably not score as much as you would with the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, but at least you’ll get a laugh out of it.
