Dear Skanks,
Sweet Mary mother of Jesus, I am so glad Halloween is over.
There are a lot of problems with Halloween, the first of which is its inherent Pagan-y qualities that just don’t sit right in my Catholic mind. The second is trick-or-treating, a ritual which romanticizes begging and teaches kids that they need not earn what the get, they can just beg and expect duly to receive.
But the real problem with Halloween is you, Skanks.
I don’t know where you women got this new-fangled idea that you can just go about wearing whatever you like, but its especially problematic on Halloween. Skanks across the continent are opting for midriff-baring tops, stilettos, and make-up from here to high-heaven in lieu of more traditional Halloween costumes.
Who do you think you’re impressing?
The harsh reality is, when you dress like skank, you’ll be treated like a skank. And skanks are not the type of women dudes bring home to their moms. A man might bring a skank home from the bar, fuck her then hang her out to dry, but that’s as much as any skank can hope to achieve. Men are pigs, and if you dangle your assets in front of them, they can’t help but try to bed you. It’s an evolution thing.
But my heart goes out to you, Skanks. Most skanks don’t even have the brainpower to engage a man in meaningful conversation. In a way, I can’t blame you for dressing like you do, you’re too stupid to impress a man any other way.
And after all, the most important thing about going out, be it Halloween or any other night, is impressing men. But the least you can do is try to say something funny, laugh at his jokes or rub your ass against him on the dance floor. Come on, ladies, you don’t need to dress like skanks to attract men – there are lots of other ways!
When you get all skanked up you basically ruin feminism for the rest of us self-respecting women. Do you realize how degrading it is to prance around like that for men?
Women of modest values hate you, Skanks, and it makes sense, because dressing like a skank is basically saying, “Dude, I want to fuck you and I don’t want a relationship.” And that’s just not what being a woman is about. Any guy that would fuck you without putting a ring on it is not the type of guy you want to be around, so quit embarrassing yourself.
Skanks, if you want to find men who will respect you, you’d best be sifting through your sweater drawer right now. And not those tight poly-blend sweaters you got at the mall, either. I’m talkin’ thick cable knits a la L.L. Bean. You can’t just leave the house wearing whatever you feel like. You need to think about all the men you’ll meet in the run of the day and what those men would think of you and your outfit.
No man will ever respect you if you dress like a skank. And you’ll never find a husband if no one respects you. And finding a husband is the only way you’ll ever be happy. So, please, put your tits away and join the rest of us in a civilized society.
With Love,
Bailey White
Editor’s Note: We at the Aquinian are still hashing out our policy with regard to comments. Typically, we will not publish comments generated soley as a means of personally attacking the author.
