The following piece is a satire. The words and quotes do not represent the views of The Aquinian. Some quotes are real, but their attribution is not.
In a rather historic move, the popular candy M&M’s made the choice to change its mascot’s footwear in an attempt to achieve gender equality.
Green M&M is leaving behind her iconic boots and femme fatale persona and moving into her girlboss-gatekeep-gaslight era. Following in her friend’s chocolate footsteps, Brown M&M is finally breaking the glass ceiling wearing block heels instead of stilettos.
“Everybody who has seen a horse girl movie knows that feminine-presenting women can’t be feminists,” said Joe Avergmann, an M&Ms’ employee. “That is why our new redesign is so empowering.”
But not everybody is okay with this redesign. Rucker Karlson, television anchor at Hound News and proud Orange M&M stan, says the company’s “de-yassification” of the characters is a key factor that will contribute to America’s downfall.
“M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous — until you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them,” he said, getting visibly angry. “When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity.”
Karlson often complains about pop culture figures turning more ‘progressive.’ He whined about Hasbro removing the “Mr.” from Potato Head and when a bakery sold gingerbread persons instead of gingerbread men. But this is different — this is an attack on his virility. Karlson is concerned that his chocolate “waifus” are being forcibly masculinized.
“I used to dream of the day I would go out for drinks with both Green and Brown, but those days are over. You did it. You finally broke me. Are you happy now?” asked Karlson while crying in the bathroom after the show.
First gender-neutral gingerbread that don’t have anatomy and now unsexy chocolate-coated candies? How is a grown man to know which snacks he can and can’t have sex with now?
Karlson’s meltdown inspired a wave of protests against the new designs, unified under the slogan “Make M&M’s Sexy Again.”
“[The leftists] are taking Green M&nussy from us and we are letting them,” said Donna McDonald. “Is this the sweet revenge feminists want?”
McDonald, clad in a high turtleneck, was seen sneakily popping an M&M between protest chants.
Another demonstrator wore sky high stilettos to the march in solidarity with Green M&M.
“We won’t rest until Green is returned to her material gworl phase, Chanel 9 boots included,” he said, clearly heartbroken after losing his favourite diva.
A counterprotest took place shortly after, although the new crowd had polarizing opinions.
One pro-sugar industry activist said M&Ms are not cartoon mascots and should be respected as animated the spokes-candies they are.
“Stop objectifying them while they work!” she shouted.
She thinks that sugar should stay in the kitchen, if you know what I mean. One protestor, Kate Virgo, held a sign that read “Gatekeep Green.”
“Karlson’s fantasy of going out for drinks with Green and Brown was always impossible to achieve,” said Virgo. “Not because they are fictional, but because they are lesbians and in love.”
Virgo said she suspected Green and Brown had eyes for each other since they were originally conceptualized in the 40s and the recent change just confirms her suspicion.
But some people think the lib-media is fixated on the wrong issue.
“Why are we discussing the M&M’s’ sexuality instead of addressing the fact that they are literal cannibals?” shouted one vegan teacher in the back.
From his office in D.C., Barney Sand, senator of Vermont and figurehead of all neo-communists, assured constituents that this is not on the leftists’ agenda for this month.
“This is M&Ms’ scheme, not ours,” said Sand. “We would have given the ‘sexy boots’ to Red M&M instead,” said Sand. “Let the people have government-assigned M&M femboys.”
