Satire: ‘She bought a red knit scarf from my booth’: Taylor Swift visits Fredericton

(Graphic by Aaron Sousa/AQ)

This story is a satire about T-Swizzle’s time in Fredericton inspired by a stock video of the University of New Brunswick featured in her latest music video. None of the names, situations or quotes are real.

Freddy folks young and old were delighted and rather shocked when news spread that Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran had filmed their “The Joker and The Queen” music video in our fair city.

St. Thomas University and the University of New Brunswick students were especially overjoyed, unsurprisingly, considering Taylor’s melodies and lyrics have proven to be quite therapeutic for the average anxious and overworked student.

Many fans spent hours searching the single aerial shot of the city that was included in the video hoping to spot miniscule versions of themselves smoking joints between classes. However, several Frederictonians actually spent some time with Swift during her short visit.

Saturday morning, Swift reportedly made a stop at the Fredericton Boyce Farmers Market, a popular spot among indie kids and old geezers.

“She bought a red knit scarf from my booth,” said vendor Jacques Gillies.

Gillies sells handknit clothing and other things that he makes in his garage, and was ecstatic when Swift made a purchase.

“She said it was to replace a scarf that she lost 11 years ago — told quite a long story about how she left it at an ex’s sister’s house. Luckily, I was able to take my 10 minutes and chat with her for a bit.”

One student, Cara Mars, spotted Swift crossing the Bill Thorpe Walking Bridge with tote bag in hand, closely followed by her boyfriend of four years, Joe Alwyn. Some passersby mistook him as a member of the Calithumpians.

Mars, who is in her Reputation era, said the double standards the public holds Swift to are unacceptable.

“It is important to note that the pop star is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and Alwyn is merely a peasant,” said Mars. “It’s very clear who ‘The Man’ of the relationship is.”

Since the music video features two university students, Swift wanted to get a feel for the campuses.

She met up with a group of TikTok-obsessed, trend-hopping second-years and they all went record shopping. They went to Backstreet Records and purchased Red (Taylor’s Version of course)! Afterwards, they stopped for a drink at The Cap Brewery where she ordered a Picaroons Pale Ale.

Ivy Summers, a member of the group, said she was very excited to be in the presence of Blondie.

“I was in shock the whole time, honestly. I’m in love with her. Her lipstick fell out of her bag … so I stole it,” gushed Summers.

After their outing, Swift came to St. Thomas University and posed with local celebrity Ratatelle (The Holy Cross House Mouse). She also gave a miniature concert in the upper courtyard while standing atop the infamous piss ball.

Before departing that day, Summers said Swift told her she’d remember this city “all too well.” 

We live in Fredericton, N.B., so I think it’s safe to say that nothing this exciting will ever happen here again. And who knows, maybe if she participated in a few rounds of trivia at The Cellar, she wouldn’t have left. 

Taylor declined to take an interview with The Aquinian but reportedly said that the city was very “Tis the Damn Season.”