Love Bites

By Megan McKay

I have always identified more with guys.

The strangeness of that fact was first brought to my attention after my elementary school guidance councilor informed me that being Wolverine was not a viable career option, and it probably wasn’t healthy that I was modeling my life after a man whose main talent is expanding and contracting knives from his fists.

The guidance councilor mentioned to my parents that I should probably spend less time trapping frogs and climbing trees with the boys, and start trying to fit in with my female counterparts, so I could better understand my gender and therefore myself.

My first play date with a group of girls left me bewildered. How did they know which colors went together, and how to dress so they looked like a cake?

I stood there, pie-eyed and silent, unmoving until my group of guy friends tapped me on my shoulder because they needed a princess Leia for their Star Wars game.

I find boys easy to read. Every reaction they have falls under one of these four categories: “That’s awesome”, “That sucks”, “That’s hot”, and “I don’t care.”

Now, with this format, gather your friends and imagine which reaction would match the following statements:

“The caf is out of pizza.”

“She never even woke up.”

“The social club has two dollar drinks tonight.”

“Deelishis won Flavor of Love.”

“I saw his mom jogging on king street.”

“And they never found his body.”

Guys often roam in packs, and when they do, they take on certain personalities. A group of guys will have any combination of the following personalities:

The Alpha Male

The leader. He has a schedule of events planned out for the crew made up in his mind almost down to the second. He is not always the loudest, but definitely the most authoritative.

The Smart One

Be it video games, sports or Foucault, this guy knows his stuff. He is always willing to put forth his opinion, and knows how to get the boys out of a jam.

The Translator

This guy, for one reason or another, is in touch enough with his sensitive side. He can talk to girls without a second thought. He has lots of girl friends, but rarely has a girlfriend. When he does get a girlfriend, he will never see his friends again.

The Funny One

Always ready with a quick remark, a great ice breaker, or an awesome story, this guy always has you in stitches. Maybe his comedy stems from a deep brooding hatred of the world, but who cares? He is a good time most of the time.

The Dumb One

If anyone is going to get you in trouble, it’s this guy. On the plus side, he’s reliable, and you can make him do pretty much whatever horrifically embarrassing or even disgusting thing you want, so he’s good for a laugh. This will often lead him to think that he is the funny one.

Guys are interesting, funny and wonderful creatures. Their simplicity is what makes them complicated, it’s a strange paradox.

Take this week’s column with a grain of salt, because in the words of the great Michael Scott, “That’s what she said.


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