Satire: Harrington defeats Vanier in Halloween quidditch match

The St. Thomas School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’s quidditch teams went broom-to-broom in the final event of the season last Friday. (Submitted: Warner Bros.)

This piece is a satire, all names are fabricated for the sake of spooky humour.

The St. Thomas School of Witchcraft and Wizardry’s quidditch teams went broom-to-broom in the final event of the season last Friday.

It was a rainy day on Hallow’s Eve. Students, dressed head-to-toe in STSWW merch, gathered in anticipation at the BMO pitch for the match: Harrington v.s. Vanier.

“I’m here for both teams today,” said Supplement Warlock ambassador Simone Wells. “Just looking forward to a good show of athleticism.”

Wells graduated from STSWW in 2021 and carried the Holy Cross team to their only successful season victory in a century.

Earlier this season, Vanier was kept from competition due to an outbreak of oral thrush,  but captain Gigi Schindlberg said the team is back and better than ever.

Not everyone was happy to see Vanier back on the field.

“I don’t care that they lost training time,” said Harrington chaser Samantha Brownstone in an interview before the match. “Those girls are all snakes.”

Even before the snitch was released, the aggression between the two teams was palpable. It was rumoured that Vanier seeker Lily Snarkov urinated on Harrington’s sacred sphere found in the upper courtyard, but these allegations are yet to be confirmed.

“Let the games begin!” exclaimed referee Derek Moffat as he shot a flare up in the sky.

The match started off tense. As the flare went off, infamous ginger Harrington beaters, the Twiller Twins, nearly rushed the Vanier chaser off the pitch, with fiery red hair blowing in the wind. Violence ensued when Schindlberg retaliated by grabbing a bat from a nearby beater and sending a bludger towards the Harrington twins.

“Conner Twiller just took a bludger to the head,” shouted commentator Phillip Lee Jordon over the mic. “Or was that Bryan Twiller…”

Boos and cheers erupted from the stands as Vanier scored the first 50 points of the game. After that, a bloody assault against the Harrington team ensued.

Sharkov circled the goal posts, flashing a smile as she passed the quaffle to Schindlberg. Brownstone swept in to intercept from above, but was sent spinning with a swift quick to her chamber of secrets.

Sharkov shot towards the Harrington keeper Brendyn Cool, throwing a handful of powdered root of meal hall pizza in his eyes. Cool veered off course, leaving the goal posts undefended as Schindlberg sank another two goals.

“Things are looking grim,” said Professor Dinandore, looking past the Kierkegaard novel nestled in his lap over his chunky black glasses.

Then out of nowhere, Harrington captain and seeker Lauryn Frex made a mad dive through the billow of smoke rising above the Holy Cross stands.

She emerged with red eyes and a beaming smile clutching the snitch in her hand. The score board read 155-145 for Harrington.

“I couldn’t have done this without the help of my teammates,” said Frex in a team huddle after the match.

Harrington is holding an afterparty at The Cellar at 9 p.m., where deep-fried butterbeer will be on special. Vanier will soak their sorrows across the river at Picaroon’s Brewing Cauldron.

“Just wait till my father, Chad Schindlberg, hears about this,” said Schindlberg as she stormed off the field.

Tune in next month for coverage when STSWW faces the undefeated UND (University of New Durmstrang) in the provincial collegiate finals.