The long-running TV show Caillou began its reign of terror on Sept. 15, 1997, which is coincidentally the date we’ve pinpointed as the downfall of Western civilization.
The name “Caillou” translates to “rock” in French, which is an accurate description of Caillou’s emotional intelligence. Throughout the history of The Aquinian, we have never before seen a more aptly-named gremlin just begging to be drop-kicked.
A modern fall of Rome, all problems in today’s society stem from this little bald brat. If you look into Caillou’s professional history, throughout his four years of life he’s managed to violate all of the Geneva Conventions. Caillou spits in the face of international law and has made a professional career out of biochemical warfare.
It’s difficult to pinpoint how he managed to achieve so much criminal activity despite 99 per cent of his time spent crying on the floor of a Chuck-E-Cheese during another kid’s birthday party because everything has to be about him. All attempts of professional surveillance on Caillou ended with the assigned special officer clawing his eyes and ears out in desperation, pleading for sweet release of death. The rehabilitation plan for affected officers is underway but seems to be yielding little results.
Canadian children’s media never seems to disappoint in providing us the most whack garbage, but Caillou won by corrupting an entire generation of children through the kind of psychological manipulation that makes foreign election interference attempts look like a half-cooked plate of dinosaur chicken nuggets.
Most Canadians were certain that nothing could do more damage to our society than Ananas, the talking pineapple from Téléfrançais that still haunts our dreams to this day. Still, Caillou manages to infect even our waking hours.
Hear a crying kid on an airplane? That’s Caillou’s fault. Witness a toddler meltdown on your vacation trip in Florida? It’s that Caillou again. Accidentally bought orange juice with pulp? Caillou was there, switching the bottles while you were in checkout. Grocery stores across the country haven’t been able to ensure proper anti-Caillou security measures yet.
Letting your child watch Caillou has been classified as criminal negligence since 2005 and will also get you cancelled on Twitter.
Between the tens of Caillou hate pages on Reddit brainstorming appropriate punishments for his crimes and the Facebook pages begging for parents to be saved from his bald bullshit, expressing that you enjoyed Caillou online is grounds for immediate addition to an FBI watchlist.
Unfortunately, by speaking his name more than three times in this article, he has been summoned to New Brunswick and will immediately proceed to wreak havoc in the surrounding community.
Make sure to avoid public spaces, as Caillou will be prowling the streets. Since his show’s cancellation, he has been looking for a blood sacrifice to quell his rage. Don’t let it be you: stay home.