Why you don’t fake an orgasm

It’s the first month of the school year and the hookups are steadily under way.

How can I tell? Well, sitting quietly in a corner with a book somewhere renders you invisible. ‘Horror of horrors, someone is actually studying in the study hall! Let’s just ignore them and talk about last night’s adventures.’

During one of these experiences a first-year over-shared private information and I came to know too much about her partner’s physical condition. To make this easier, let’s call him Adam and her Eve.

The conversation started off with Eve talking about this great party where she managed to get some drinks and started laughing about how drunk she was. Along comes Adam with his apparent six pack and nice, tight butt. A friend of hers had shared that, apparently, his six-foot something was also an indicator of his… well… ‘beer bottle’.

Moving on.

Adam and Eve started chatting, then started making out, then moved to his dorm room where it turns out the comments about his beer bottle were inaccurate, because he had an even larger one.

Now why am I bringing up this story? Because she then said they were both sloppy messes and it just wasn’t feeling great. So, she faked an orgasm, said thanks and bolted.

It was around that time I was banging my head against my table.

You should never fake an orgasm. If the sexual partner you’re with is not doing something that feels good, offer suggestions. Phrase it kindly, but they need to know what’s going to bring that story to a happy ending. People don’t read minds and because some of us live in a people heavy atmosphere, we don’t all indicate with our vocals what is going to get us to the finish line. This is an especially important skill in a long term relationship because after a while you’ll be fed up with only one person in the relationship reaching climax.

Also, stop having sex when you’ve been drinking. Alcohol affects the body in strange ways, like producing the inability to retain an erection for some Adams and the inability to climax in many. Alcohol can numb the body and make the sex not only unenjoyable, but have some dangerous side effects if one of you was too drunk to put on protection.

Side effects may include sticky sheets, matted hair, unwanted pregnancy, transmission of STIs and, my least favourite, that uncomfortable walk to the shared bathroom to clean up. Trust me, that once in a lifetime chance would be even better if you both remember it.

Hookups are bound to still happen of course but hopefully these two pieces of advice will spice up your sex life.

As for the hapless Adam walking around campus, my sympathies. Better luck next time.

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