Ways you think you’ll fix your life, but won’t

12026457_10156079575550635_739845398_nSo, it’s second semester and we’re all still here. Neat.

You’re probably thinking this is the semester that you turn your life around. That you’ll learn the importance of cleaning behind your ears and that “overdraft” doesn’t mean free money. It’s not.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we’ve both been down this road before. This is what I want to show you, through my own failings. They say the whole world is a stage, but I’m the drunk director and, baby, this isn’t Broadway, you’re in Fredericton now.

First off, I’ve been saying I would start going to the gym since first year. I don’t even have the sticker on my student ID. I have so many Papa John’s reward points I think they are worth more than the Canadian dollar at this point. Truth be told, the only gym I’ve been inside is a Pokemon gym. Pass.

Quitting smoking: This is something I’ve had some success with. By the time this article publishes, it will have been two weeks since I’ve had a cigarette. The only problem is I’m still a shitty person. I still laugh at inappropriate times. I still mooch off my girlfriend. And I still only voted for Justin Trudeau because he has a nice ass.

I’m still just blowing smoke. Continue reading this column for proof.

Doing better in classes: When I was in elementary school I remember I couldn’t start my school year without getting new school supplies. Now I’ve completely given up. Do I think a few more duotangs will save my grades? Will the brand of pens I use make me a better writer? I think Hemingway wrote his books with this own blood. Does the bookstore sell that? Can they price match it?

Waking up earlier
: I have a bit of a fear of this. While sunrises are beautiful, I think if you’re up that early, you’re increasing the chances of complications in your day – more seconds and minutes for people to call you and cancel your plans. It comes down to probability at a point.

Creating world peace
: Pass.

Being kind to your neighbour: Pass.

Just not being a dick: Pass.

Let’s face it. None of these are going to happen, or maybe they will. Who knows? Honestly a university newspaper’s humour column is not a place to come seeking wisdom. Between me writing this, and you reading this, I think we have a pretty good indication of how this semester will go.

Rest in peace, bitches.

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