(Adam rolls up to the podium with a somber look on his face. He places a written speech down and begins to read it.)
Students, professors, and fans, thank you for joining me today.
Many of you are my friends, many of you know me. Many of you have cheered for me, worked with me, and supported me. Some of you have read my columns for over three years now.
But through my years writing, I have lost my way. My reckless behaviour behind the keyboard has hurt some. I convinced myself that the normal rules didn’t apply to me. I felt entitled!
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to some that I have hurt.
First; NBC and Jay Leno. I’ve been critical of them ever since NBC announced that they were moving Leno to 10 pm ET, five times a week. I blasted the decision, saying it would blow-up in the network’s face.
A couple months later, The Jay Leno Show gets cancelled, Conan O’Brien is pretty much booted out of The Tonight Show, and the people at NBC look like complete idiots.
For that, I’m sorry. Yes, I was right, but there has been no need to add salt in your wounds. It became the cool thing to do to pick on you, NBC and Jay. I apologize for all the chin jokes, it’s nothing personal. I also apologize for saying that your jokes are as out-dated as soured milk, and that you’re as funny as a kick in the groin.
Now that you move back to The Tonight Show, I won’t say that the legacy you once had is tarnished, Jay. And to other media outlets, leave them alone. I think they’ve had enough. They know they’ve screwed up. There’s no need to kick them while their down. It’s gotten to the point where making fun of NBC and Jay Leno is like making fun of the kid in a wheelchair. Oh wait… moving on.
Next up is Tiger Woods. Tiger, I watched your press-conference last Friday. It was on CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, and online. This was serious business in the news world.
I saw your heartfelt message that you read off that paper of yours. Your emotion had me choking up, especially when you pause, looked at the camera, and had the teary look I had when I spilled my coffee. Brilliant! And when you said you never took performance enhancing drugs, I heard the message loud and clear. Tiger Woods doesn’t need Viagra, got it!
Tiger, I apologize to you. So you had an affair. Well, two affairs. No, six. Twelve? So what, you had fourteen affairs! It doesn’t entitle me to making jokes about how your use to playing several holes at a time. I crossed the line, and I am the only person to blame.. I will no longer make jokes about how you took the slogan of your main sponsor a tad too seriously. Nike – “Just Do It!”
I know there’s more out there that my behaviour has hurt. Like Apple CEO Steve Jobs who just unveiled his newest product, the iPad. My mind went crazy when I first heard it. It’s a comic’s goldmine. Steve, I know I have bitterly disappointed you.
From now on, I will stop the flow of iPad jokes. The cycle of immature humour is over. I’m sure the iPad is a reliable and absorbent product that provides users the comfort they need. So no more iPad from me, ever…period!
To those I didn’t mention that I have hurt with my irresponsible and selfish behaviour, I am sorry. I know I have a problem, and now I’m getting the help I need. It’s up to me to start living a life of integrity.
I know my real apology will not come in form of words, but it will come in my actions over time.
Thank you and God bless.
(Adam wipes a tear from his eye. He rolls solemnly behind the curtain, and takes no questions from the media.)
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