TV Done Wright, April 7

With Adam Wright – The Aquinian

The biggest story on campus this week is that students will be heading back to the polls to vote for the Student Union President. It is unknown when the re-election will take place between candidates Mark Henick and Craig Mazerolle. The re-election happens during a busy time; during the last two days of classes.

Is there a better way to settle this? If TV has taught us anything, yes there is!

So with my last column of the year folks, I will grace you with ways to settle this election.

All these are inspired by television, and are guaranteed to be entertaining to watch.

Challenge 1: Staying on the Ball

During a challenge seen on Survivor, the castaways have to stand tall and balance on a pillar. The last one standing wins.

Sound simple right? Our version however won’t involve pillars. It will involve the candidates to stand tall and balance on STU’s own…”Pee Ball” (Located in the courtyard near Holy Cross.)

The candidate that can stay on the ball the longest will win. To make things even tougher, the ball will be freshly “watered down” every 10 minutes. (Special thanks to our inebriated volunteers.)

Challenge 2: The ‘Trump’ Card

If there’s any person that can settle this, it’s The Apprentice’s Donald Trump! This multi-millionaire has an eye for talent, and will no doubt make the candidate sweat for this job.

Both candidates will have to step in Trump’s boardroom and convince him why they are the best choice.

The loser will hear those dreaded words…”You’re Fired!”

But how do we get Donald Trump to STU? It’s simple, name a building after him. Why not, we’ve already named a building after someone with bad hair before, isn’t that right, Brian Mulroney.

Challenge 3: Diagnose This!

In this challenge, the candidates will be forced to solve a medical mystery. There’s no time limit, however they will be lead by the always abrasive Dr. Gregory House. How well the candidates work under pressure is key, and there’s no better person to turn up the heat than everyone’s favourite cranky doctor.

The winner will be the one who solves the medical case, or the last one who storms out of the room crying. The first candidate Dr. House makes cry will earn a guest spot on Grey’s Anatomy.

Challenge 4: Rage in a Cage

Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brett Hart vs. Shawn Michaels… all these great feuds were settled in the ring. What better way to settle this match-up than a good old fashion steel cage match.

Picture it folks, the candidates standing in a ring in the middle of the courtyard. The ring is surrounded by a cage.

Standing around, the crowd is waving signs and chanting. Of course, both competitors will have a minute to pump the crowd and smack-talk before the match.

The duelling chants fill the air. “Let’s Go Henick!” “Let’s Go Mazerolle!” “Let’s Go Henick!” “Let’s Go Mazerolle!” “Let’s Go Henick!” “Let’s Go Mazerolle!”

The crowd is electrified. The candidates are ready to lay the smackdown on each other! The bell rings and they’re off.

Honestly, how many of you would pay good money to see that?

There you have it folks, my ideas to solve this battle. To the candidates, there’s no need to thank me, I’m only here to help.

I thank everyone for reading this year, and for tolerating my rants and raves. See you all next year.

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