The Rage: Weird and Wrong 2

Rage shots hit you like the firey glare of a pissed off telekinetic
Rage shots hit you like the firey glare of a pissed off telekinetic

I made a trip uptown to the Dollarama the other day and I came across these knock off 5-hour energy jobbies called Rage Shots. I purchased one, brought it home, took a snap off of it. What happened next is the subject of our sequel to weird and wrong.

I made my roommate try the Rage Shot by assuring him that it was definitely delicious. I wasn’t sure if his grimace upon consuming it had to do with his reaction to the flavor or to the realization that I had just told him a terrible lie. Rage Shots taste like something that should kill you. Kind of like if you mixed a freezie with anti-freeze. He said he was disappointed it didn’t taste like someone’s ground up pineal gland, as he was hoping it would hit you like adrenaline. It hits you more like a slow sunburn on the inside. It’s the uncomfortable internal heat that keeps you awake and motivates you to do things that keep your mind off of the blood itching through your veins.

The active ingredient in Rage Shots is Alertex. Alertex is (as a member of the Academy of Science I can say this with some certainty) comprised chiefly of Twin Sugar and battery acid. It allows you to stay awake because you feel as though death is certain if your eyes close. Alertex has a hidden effect – once mixed with alcohol, it induces mania. A subject might be tempted to puke in a bank deposit box “just to make a statement”, attempt to kick over a mailbox because “the government be creepin”,  or get a mad case of the “cinderella skitters” – a condition in which the subject abandons a social group entirely and without a word for fear of transforming into a pumpkin.

That said, the recipe for an interesting evening comes by mixing Rage Shots with Jagermeister, creating a “Rager”, something that may potentially lead to homocide.

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  • Common Sense

    You are not supposed to buy (let alone consume) food or drink from Dollarama, or from any other store with the word "dollar" in its name.

    But if you must, drink up. It's your own early demise.

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