A Tale of Two Tommies: The Queen

Matt:

Another year come and gone. Another goddess harmed. Another national injustice casually committed. March 13 was Commonwealth Day, the day we gather around our communal shrines and sacrifice a scone to celebrate Queen Elizabeth II’s global reign and personal prowess. Did you do your duty? No? Exactly.

Queen Elizabeth is quite literally the crown jewel of Canada. Her institutional vitality is paramount to the Canadian political system. George-Étienne Cartier, a Father of Confederation, wrote that Canada should have “a distinct form of government, the characteristic of which would be to possess [Britain’s] monarchical element.” The opening of the Constitution Act 1867 echoes his monumental belief, stating Canada has a “Constitution similar in principle to that of the United Kingdom.” Lizzy is Queen of Canada – why aren’t we crushing as hard as our forefathers?

Queen Elizabeth holds our country together. She speaks French fluently, unlike most of our own MPs. She sent her first email in 1976 from a British army base – no evidence proves it didn’t say, “khrome tn u in lol?” She is Britain’s 40th monarch since William the Conqueror was crowned. Sophie Grégoire Trudeau was 40 when JT became PM and they moved to 24 Sussex. Coincidence? I think not.
Apart from politics, the Queen of Canada has inspired so much of our popular culture. What other etymological source could explain the ‘Liz’ in ‘Lizzy McGuire’? Who else could have created Fredericton’s ‘Windsor Street banger’ phenomenon? How many rhetorical questions must I ask? America has Queen Bey; we must cherish our Queen E.

This is a call to action to Canadians everywhere. Queen Elizabeth is to Canada what velcro light-up shoes are to toddlers: You don’t know how wonderful it is until you grow out of it. Let’s keep Canada young for life. Let’s keep our awesome shoes. Let’s keep Lizzy nearer to our hearts than anyone else. Long live the Queen.
Robbie:

Dear Political Science Undergraduate,

Oh, was it Commonwealth Day? I totally missed that.

Why aren’t we writing about St. Patrick’s Day? That’s a holiday people actually give two leprechauns about. But no, on St. Patrick’s Day week, let’s praise the very empire responsible for taxing Ireland’s Lucky Charms for centuries.

Colonialism: A shameful topic in a history class, and the only topic in a Post-1800s English class. Why are we not celebrating Commonwealth Day? Because it’s 2017.

The commonwealth is not something celebrated by Canadians because it is a collection of countries that left the British Empire. For example, you know I won’t be celebrating your Chihuahua’s birthday party because I left that group chat.

Will anybody be celebrating Commonwealth Day with a friendly game of netball? Of course not, because we invented the superior sport of basketball. Canada currently ranks a low 25th in the world for netball, so we’re going to need to pick up our game if we’re going to qualify a team for the 2018 Commonwealth Games in Gold Coast, Australia. Oh yeah, nobody’s watching that …

As for the monarchy, it’s overrated and about as useful as the white board markers around this campus. People are making a big deal about Will and Kate, but we all know Kanye and Kim are way more interesting and fashionable. Someday little George is going to wish he could sit at Nori’s table for lunch.
Victoria Day is enough. We’re not likely to forget about our Queen by skipping Commonwealth Day, her stern face on the 20, those seductive eyes peering into the secrets of my dark soul. I confess, Your Majesty, I didn’t think The King’s Speech deserved best picture.

So take your tea and crumpets back to the mother country. I’ll celebrate Commonwealth Day the day Lizzy admits that she poops. Until then, this New-Brunswicker is pulling a New-Brexit.

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