A Tale of Two Tommies: Pineapple on pizza

Troy Glover

What do you think when you hear pizza? You think some nice crisp crust, oozy cheese, maybe some meaty toppings, possibly vegetables, but not pineapple! I don’t want fruit salad on my pizza. I don’t want my nice sauce being tarnished by the sweet taste of pineapple. It isn’t consistent.

Fruit doesn’t belong on pizza. It’s an insult to pizza, it makes pizza look like trash, it makes it look like a chump. I love pizza, and it’s because of my love that I wish to keep it out of the clutches of the pineapples. Pineapples don’t love pizza, they wish to conquer one of the most loved foods of North America because ham just isn’t cutting it anymore. Plenty of people love pizza more than ham, because you can put ham on your pizza.

The only yellow you should see on your pizza is the cheese or some peppers. I can respect those who eat pineapple on their pizza, but I would never ask them to cook me a meal. What is next for pizza if this is left to stand? Apples, peas, carrots, blueberries? Where will it end?

You can’t trust pineapple. It’s a mysterious fruit. Why, you may ask? Well think about its name, “pineapple” seems innocent enough, but give it a little thought. In every other language it’s name borders around “ananas.” Why is it “pineapple” in the English language? It’s because it’s trying to trick you into putting it on your pizza, trying to keep you ignorant to what it truly is, an “anana.”

I’m not a monster, I don’t hate the pineapple lovers, I just don’t understand their weird taste buds. Pizza doesn’t need to be complicated by pineapples or other weird fruits, it’s beautiful just the way it is with its regular toppings. I hope people can understand where I’m coming from and make the right decision next time they order some ‘za.

 

William Cumming

Now, I would like to start my argument by asking you, the reader, to take another look at Troy’s argument. He says fruit doesn’t belong on pizza, yet one of the key ingredients of pizza is a fruit!

That’s right, I’m talking about tomato sauce. Remember how your mind was blown when you learned tomatoes were a fruit? Well, your mind will be blown again today when you realize that pineapple belongs on pizza.

My opponent says that pizza is one of the most loved foods in North America, which is a point I will gladly concede. What he fails to realize though is that pizza wasn’t invented here. We took a great idea, and added our own twist to it. Pizza is a cultural hodgepodge of flavors from around the world, and to deny it new ingredients would be to deny it growth. And if pizza can’t grow, then eventually it will stagnate and die.

The pineapple pizza haters of the world claim to love their “za”, but are more concerned with how it looks than with the taste sensation it could be if they would just open their minds (and their mouths). Stop Instagraming for five seconds and actually try a piece of pizza.

But enough with the technical and moral arguments in pineapple’s favour (though there is a long list). Let’s cut to the practical: pineapple is downright delicious. The sweet, tangy taste of pineapple mixed with the soft dough, stringy cheese and salty ham on a Hawaiian pizza is absolute heaven, and after one bite all pineapple haters will change their minds.

In this day and age, everyone should be open to trying new things. If we allow the bigots of the world to ban pineapple from our pizza, then where will we draw the line? Soon, they would have us eating nothing but bread, sauce and cheese, citing the purity of their pies. So, take a stand and open your heart to the delicacy that is pineapple on pizza.

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