Tale of Two Tommies: Cats and Dogs

William Cumming:

Cats versus dogs is an argument as old as, well, cats and dogs. It’s not much of an argument, though, since dogs are by far the superior pet. You can’t do much better than man’s best friend.

That moniker isn’t one given lightly. Our canine companions earned our friendship through nearly 15,000 years of loyalty. That’s a bond that’s hard to ignore. Meanwhile, cats have been around for less than 10,000 years, and most of that time was spent napping. Why anyone would consider the lazy cat to be better than the hard-working dog boggles my mind.

Time isn’t the only factor that makes dogs the superior pet. Dogs are a sympathetic species which actually cares for the well-being of its masters (though no human is pure enough to truly master the good boys).

Cats, on the other hand, are a demanding, cruel pet that expects every whim to be satisfied. They’ll spend all day napping, but as soon as you try to grab your own cat nap they’ll be on top of you you with claws slashing. But many people love them despite this, and while you may call those people insane, it’s because they have been brainwashed by a parasite in their pets.

Toxoplasma gondii is a cat-borne parasite which infects rats, making them slower to react and lethargic A.K.A. easier to eat. This parasite has a similar effect in humans, so while you may think your cat loves you, it is really just waiting until you are weak enough to strike.

If science can’t prove to you that cats are inferior, then maybe the internet can. Both cats and dogs are cultural phenomenon online, but for very different reasons. The most famous cat earned its title by being grumpy, while dogs earn our affection by being good boys.  I know which sounds more appealing to me.

If you still need convincing, just google “hairless cat,” and know that under every coat of fur, that’s what’s waiting for you. Don’t give cats the chance. Just get a dog.

Troy Glover:

Something my compatriot doesn’t seem to realize is that while cats might not have been around as long as dogs, they have been revered as gods. Look at an ancient Egyptian tapestry sometime and observe how the cats were seen by the people that loved them. The “good boy” doesn’t just apply to dogs, cats can be good boys too. Cats are lovable companions that don’t need much to get by.

A dog wakes you up at 5 a.m. to let them out. A cat merely uses a box you will have to clean only once a week. Cats have a viciousness about them that sometimes makes them more dangerous than dogs, and they can carry a grudge for much longer. Also, who says that cats aren’t loyal? Have you ever seen the video of the cat defending a baby from a vicious dog? Yeah, that can happen too. A cat will also bring you a dead mouse, which might seem crude and gross, but they do so as a present to you, so you’d better be grateful.

What is better than a pet that doesn’t make much noise? A dog will bark at nothing, or the smallest noise, no matter what time of day or night it is. If you live with other people and get up in the middle of the night for something, dogs can go off, waking everyone else up.

Another thing my compatriot doesn’t seem to realize is that cats made the online cultural phenomenon — not by grumpy cat, but by something older: something known as the “LOL Cat Bible.” LOL Cats were the internet, and continue to be noted in the history books as one of the weirdest, yet best, internet cat phenomenons. No dog will ever be able to replace “I can haz cheeseburger?”

Furthermore, hairless cats? I’m sorry, does someone hate the idea of someone that’s allergic to cats, but still loves them, being happy? A dog doesn’t know better than to love you. If a cat chooses to love you then you are one of the few chosen ones, and you will walk triumphant in Valhalla.

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