Turning green with envy

So, I’m dating my desk plant.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’ve come to the conclusion that dating your desk plant is the best possible relationship. I’ve been looking at other couples (mostly from behind bushes) and I’m certain that it is, in fact, everybody else who’s crazy not me.

At the roots, there are only a few genera of couples, and, in all cases, my desk plant outshines your lover. Okay, besides in the bedroom – though that could be one interpretation of The Giving Tree.

1) The first couple is the ‘Fighting and Biting’ couple. You know them; they’re the only couple that can argue about anything. What restaurant to go to, which movie to watch, what song to play, whether they’ll keep the baby. Give me a break, am I right? Their fighting feels like a Katy Perry song with less to look at. My desk plant and I tried fighting, but I had trouble getting my hair to look like Rihanna’s. Besides my desk plant was more bark than bite.

2) The next couple I like to call “The Hive Mind.” They’re the opposite, they’re one step away from a Borg-like assimilation of Captain Jean Luc Picard. They watch the same movies, they order the same food, they like the same music, for god’s sake, I bet they even kissed the same boys in high school. Come on. No guy watches The Vow without wishing Channing Tatum was spooning you. Trust me, I’ve seen The Vow. These couples are annoying at best, creepy at worse. Avoid Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber if you can.

3) Now the third couple is not a couple per say… I believe Shakespeare called them the beast with two backs: it’s the PDA couple. Now where the Hive Mind is one in the brain, this couple is one at the hips. The reason I’m skeptical about calling them a couple is because I believe, to be officially considered a couple, you must stop making out at least once a day to say a minimal of five words to your significant other. Not counting: baby cakes, love muffin, cuddly bear, sugar daddy, my love pumpkin, my spunky clam …etc. It’s hard to judge this couple because outside of playing Chicken or Go in the caf, this couple is actually about as exciting as the fireplace channel.

Oddly enough, from my observations the PDA couple always seems to be the goody-goody Christian kids. Idle hands, I suppose. Just spreading the Lord’s message. All over her back.

That’s why you should get a desk plant. If you are going to grow old with someone – get matching La-Z-Boys, join square dancing, swap medicines and get weird – it’s better to nourish them through a watering can than a feeding tube.

Now my desk plant isn’t the perfect girlfriend, but it’s pretty goddamn close. It’s a good listener, faithful, low-maintenance, respectful, non-judgemental, reliable, quiet, stoic and it doesn’t look half bad in a bikini. Plus it renews my goddamn air so I can fuckin’ breathe. Your move Zooey Deschanel. Your. Fuckin’. Move.

Stop calling me.


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