Litterchur: Universal appeal

I will occasionally get feedback on the things I write and draw. Some good like, “I read your last column” and some not so good like, “I want to go back in time and murder your mother before you are born.” I would like to take this moment to address my most common criticism, “I don’t get it.”

I’m often told that my stuff is strange, on the fringe or unreadable. This is, of course, my fault and not at all that of the reader.  You see, when writing, I don’t typically “write to an audience.” I just make myself giggle and try to publish it. It’s no wonder people don’t relate to it. That’s why I will take this space to give you something that everyone can enjoy.

For this article, I outlined these ten demographics:

 1. Males

2. Stoners

3. Devout Catholics

4. Young People

5. Old People

6. The Left

7. The Right

8. The Intellectual(high-brow)

9. The Pleasure Reader(low-brow)

10. Females

Once I had divided everyone into these groups, I was able to develop a better understanding of my audience. I went straight into writing a piece that would entertain them all equally. I’ve divided the column by a number for each of the groups. If, when reading it, you find that it is not “speaking to you,” just wait(or skip ahead) until you come to your demographic’s corresponding number.

I hope you enjoy it , you’re statistically guaranteed to.

 1. Get yourself comfortable with a can of beer and strip down to your boxers for this week’s edition of “Boring and Lame.” 2. It’s been a crazy, groovy week, man. I was out getting mind-blowingly high 3. with Jesus Christ of Nazareth in the church downtown. 4. I said to him, “Hey, man, what do you think about the new iPhone update? Awesome, right? I can upload pics to Twitter in half the time it took before.” 5. “You actually use Twitter?” he asked. “It’s just a bunch of ego-stroking people stunting their emotional growth by constantly saying ‘Look at me! Look at me!.’” 6. “Come on,” I replied. “What about all of the possibilities? We have an immediate connection to everyone in the entire world. Just think what we can learn about cultures, relations and all of the new forms of expressions that are being developed.” 7. “Whatever, man. If you want the government to have a record of your every thought, go ahead,” he said. 8. I thought deeply of this conversation later, and wondered if our discourse was evidence that the current shift in media, commerce and communication was leading us into a third Industrial Revolution. Is the coming of the internet on par with the invention of the steam engine, the introduction of mass production, or television and radio? I reflected on this for the greater part of an hour. 9. Then I farted. 10. That’s it for this week. In my next column, I’m going to talk about how men leave their women unsatisfied in bed and how you can change that.

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