Essential Credentials: Two’s company, three’s a crowd, four’s a…party?

Leanne Osmond - Essential Credentials (Tom Bateman/AQ)

Imagine waking up without opening your eyes. You feel the pounding inside your head and there’s no way in hell your mouth has ever been this dry. You breathe out and mumble the classic college-kid irony, “I’m never drinking again,” as you roll over onto your side.

Then it happens – you open your eyes and you see a mess of brown hair. It’s kind of long and immediately you realize you have no idea who this person is — is it a guy, a girl?

You close your eyes again and roll over onto your other side to make an effort to remember what kind of shenanigans you got into last night. When you open your eyes again, you see another person.

That’s right – that’s the kind of shenanigans you got into. But how?

A number of my friends – mostly male – have been on my case since I started writing this column to talk about threesomes, so finally, I am. To me, threesomes are incredibly intriguing, for reasons probably very opposite than the ones you are currently thinking of.

Like many girls, I have been approached in the past by that cocky dude at the bar with a sly grin on his face and a bro at his side.

“You’re looking mighty fine tonight, girl, what’s your name? You wanna have fun with me and my buddy here? How about we all go back to my place for a three-way?”

What I did next, in hindsight, seemed kind of rude. But really, it was the only reaction I had the capacity to produce.

I laughed. Not like your little schoolgirl giggle, I let out this huge throw-myhead-back-and-slap-my-knee laugh. I didn’t do it because I thought these guys were pigs, I did it because the whole idea of arranging sex in a way that required a sort of verbal contract was the silliest thing ever.

Normal life isn’t like Jersey Shore or a porno (which are sometimes quite similar). Threesomes rarely “just happen” and as a result they have to be arranged in some way.

How awkward is that?

I imagine the arrangement isn’t the only awkward moment of the evening either, especially since the lady-bits to man-parts ratio will undoubtedly be at odds.

Scenario A: Two girls, one guy – Quite possibly every straight man’s top fantasy, but who does what with whom and when? I’m sure there are people who would know exactly what to do with what and when, but for the average person I imagine there would be some initial confusion.

Scenario B: Two guys, one girl. Same as scenario A, two guys and one girl definitely has the potential to leave a participant puzzled as to what to do with one’s appendages. What’s gay, and what’s okay? (Not to imply that being gay is not okay, this is all in good fun here, folks.)

How do you solve this problem? Well, I’m not sure you can, but setting up some ground rules is probably a step in the right direction. Everyone has to be clear on what the other is comfortable with before this endeavour begins, or else it won’t be the good old-fashioned erotic evening you had hoped for.

I guess in the end you should do whatever tickles your fancy, floats your boat, and blows your skirt up. Just be safe about it.

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