Essential Credentials: ‘Tis (not) the season for bunnies

Viola Pruss - Essential Credentials (Tom Bateman/AQ)

You just bought the Santa Claus lingerie with the jingles around the rim. Your room is set in candle light and the smell of ginger cookies lingers in the air. Despite exam stress, it’s time for a fun and relaxing night with your lover.

Or so you thought.

After a short foreplay, you soon clutch on to him and the covers for dear life. His bum moves up and down, skin slaps onto skin, and the sound of his groans and squeaking bed-feathers ring in your ears. A few minutes later he ejaculates and collapses onto you.
The season must have changed. Instead of a smooth Santa, you got yourself an Easter bunny in bed.

There’s a time for quickies, but jack-rabbit-style shouldn’t be a standard in your bedroom. Your guy is not a race car, and your vagina not his track.

Most girls with a sexual history heard stories, or found themselves in this rather awkward position. I wondered why it appeals to guys, and decided it comes down to ignorance and lack of respect and self-confidence.

Like most things in life, sex is about the journey, not the end of the trip. Sadly, this kind of man only looks for his own satisfaction. He does not care to balance his speed, or change it up from wild to gentle – he only wants to get done fast and easy.

Of course, some girls like it rough. But that’s not an excuse to pump away like a jackhammer.

I can’t seem to stress it enough, but good sex comes down to communicating and caring for the other’s enjoyment as much as your own. You can try to slow him down by grabbing his hips and controlling his moves with your hands. If that doesn’t change it, you need to talk.

In the best case scenario, he doesn’t know any better. Maybe he is used to a hurried masturbation to get relief. Or maybe he’s nervous.

But he may also enjoy the control he has over your pleasure. He likes getting off and leaving you unsatisfied. If he constantly pouts when you ask him to slow down, leave him – it won’t get better.

Unfulfilled sex not only stresses your body, but also your mind. It slows your sexual appetite and leaves you angry and uncomfortable with the other person. Perhaps it even makes you wonder if you’re not appealing to him or if you’re only a number on his list.

Talking is good, but change also needs to come from the other person.

If you notice that your partner is unsatisfied, you have to take responsibility for your lack of sexual education. It takes effort, discipline and caring to change around your act in bed – no matter if you’re a woman or a man. If you don’t know any better, learn it. There is no excuse for being lazy, and you should not enjoy receiving disappointed looks every time you finish.

Last but not least, jack-rabbit-style sex not only shows how little you understand the giving of pleasure, it also looks incredibly stupid.

P.S. “Erotic literature” comprises fictional and factual stories of human sexual relationships which are intended to arouse the reader sexually.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and like to remind you that writing a “sex column” is more than describing the adventures of my private parts. But I hope this week’s writing will help to stop the yawning – in bed.

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