Oh, and he has good hair. That too. Good, I’m glad we covered all the bases.
So, um… did you see the Jay’s game last night?
I’m sorry if I sound mean or uncaring or like one of those nihilists from the Big Lebowski, but it’s not like we know much about this Gallant or his Johnson. He’s 32, bilingual and stands for…
OK, “stands” is kind of a strong word. For example when it comes to expelling New Brunswick’s gas, Gallant is one of those guys responsible for those Silent But Deadlies back in middle school.
What’s a poor college boy to do?
Oscar Baker III and I decided to hit up the student and faculty population in an attempt to educate ourselves about this election, who the hell Gallant is, and whether or not we should just say screw it and elect the Irvings as Caesars.
Do you know who Brian Gallant is?
I don’t know who he is, hang on, take this (recorder) off. You have to explain to me who he is so I don’t sound like an idiot. Don’t (expletive deleted) quote me sounding like an idiot, Joe. I will kick your ass. Seriously.
*Tape turns off*
Should Gallant win an Oscar for his political acting?
Yes, he should win an Oscar, he’s such a handsome man.
What changes do you know the Liberals are planning on making?
I know Justin Trudeau likes pot.
So Gallant campaigned on not being Alward, and being everything to everybody (which is political talk for being nothing to nobody). But he looks like a nice church lad who will pave everybody’s driveway and does his homework every night. Just don’t ask him what he plans to do with the abortion clinic or to do basic math.
Anyway, he didn’t mess up in any extraordinary way, a.k.a. get trapped in journalist hell. And it’s not just Gallant; this whole election has been as boring as a Monday night in Sussex (or any night in Sussex). When will we find out Alward smokes cracked, or get a leaked crotch shot from Dominic Cardy? Will they at least tell me who’s fracking who’s wife?
Back to the fountain of student wisdom:
N.B. Gas, should we keep it in or let it fly?
Keep it in or let the gas fly? N.B. gas….I don’t know if that’s something I know enough about. But I’m going to say let the gas fly sounds like a fun thing to say so I’m going to go with that.
What do you think about the proposed Oil Plutocracy Mandate Policy?
Oooh… That’s another thing I don’t want to comment on because I don’t know enough about it to sound educated.
Can you name off all the party leaders?
Brian Gallant… David Coon…. no he’s a Fredericton guy…. There’s Brian Gallant. There’s a Dominic Carter… David Alward and a Green person…
(It’s David Coon)
It’s David Coon! I got four out of four!
What would be the worst part about marring David Alward?
Informative as always, but I needed more.
Eventually I found three people who could give me a straight answer. Professors Tom Bateman, Michael Camp and Jamie Gilles chaired a round table discussion on the election in Holy Cross Hall on Friday. They had similar suspicions as I did: this was an election of the blind leading the bland.
Political Science professor
Was there anything close to a good adult conversation in this election?
We have begun to have a little bit of a conversation on, let’s say, hydraulic fracturing but it’s too little too late even on that. We have not had an adult conversation about the province’s debt problems and that means things are just going to happen to us that are going to force us to pay attention long after we had the opportunity to plan for it.
Okay. So yea. Our parents are dining and dashing and leaving us with the Bill. A shitty Act.
But Gallant is young and single and has these obvious leadership qualities, you know, like the guy who brings a keg to the frat party. I know what happens in Electoral College stays in Electoral College, but I wonder, is Gallant all a lie? What’s his plan on fracking? Will he drop the small business tax? Did he really sleep with a Prof?
Journalism professor, CBC commentator
Have we seen the real Gallant?
Seen the real Gallant? No, not at all. The person we elect, and I strongly think it will be (Gallant), has yet to really take a position on the issues that really matter in this province. I think his first year or two in office will be characterized by flip-flopping on various things. Most of all fracking. He will frack, without question.
I don’t think we know Brian Gallant. One of the surprises of the campaign was that we didn’t get to know him any better. Who is he? What does he believe? What is he going to do? We’re going to find out I guess.
Why don’t you think Gallant showed himself?
He didn’t make specific promises. Still, he has not really told people yet the hard message. What needs to be done. And what needs to be done is going to be painful.
Ouch. Off with all their Johnsons! It’s enough to turn us all into nihilists. Give me liberty or give me a dose.
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